Shame Versus Guilt
Email 1
Copy/Paste the following email:
Subject Line: Shame Versus Guilt, Part One
We meet again!
This month’s video is Shame Versus Guilt. We’re talking about how guilt is described as “I have done something bad” while shame is the belief that “I am bad.” We discuss how shame doesn’t typically lead to change, while guilt recognizes offense and the desire to rectify that offense.
It is good to know the difference between shame and guilt because both affect the way we parent. In this email, I’ll address the issue of shaming.
Sometimes parents connect shaming and parenting with things like spanking, public scolding, or another discipline. However, there are other ways parents shame their children, and they are often subtle. This can include demeaning your child, or even rolling your eyes at your son or daughter after they have done something of which you don’t approve.
Words like “Why are you acting like a two-year-old?” spoken to a child, especially in front of others, are also a form of shaming. Not only is this parenting pointless, ineffective, and hurtful, it can be terribly destructive. Seeking to change a child’s behavior by making him or her feel shame makes a child feel small and insignificant.
When eight-year-old Jane accidentally hit her sister in the head with her doll from swinging it around her head like a lasso, her mother had had enough. “What are you thinking? Did you think you wouldn’t eventually hit someone when you play with the doll like that?” Jane burst out into tears, ran to her room, and rolled up in a ball on her bed. Jane’s mother communicated to Jane that she had done something idiotic, whether that was her intent or not.
Though Jane shouldn’t have been swinging her doll around, it’s important to remember that there is a difference between shaming and disciplining. Discipline is about correcting and guiding a child toward more appropriate behavior. A candid discussion about the reasons why we don’t swing toys over our heads, especially around younger children, followed by helping the child understand other ways to express feelings or needs, is more in order.
We hope this article will help you consider times you may be shaming your child without realizing it. We hope you benefit from the tips and tools offered both in the video and in the emails.
https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/224801238/dc2f345e13
Here on the journey with you!
Children’s Pastor
Email 2
Copy/Paste the following email:
Subject Line: Shame Versus Guilt, Part 2
Hello again!
This month’s video provided the background for Shame Versus Guilt.
Shaming a child as discipline results in a child who feels bad about him or herself. However, guilting a child is just as destructive. Guilt is a tool adults use to make others feel bad, and unfortunately, too often use as a parenting tactic. Guilt parenting uses psychological means to shape a child’s behavior. A few examples of guilt parenting might include:
• I’m so ashamed of your behavior at Aunt Sue’s last night.
• You should thank me for going to work every day to provide food for the family.
As with shame, most kids can’t differentiate between understanding they did a bad thing, versus believing they are a bad person.
Many psychologists believe using guilt to prod a child into acting how you want them to, or feeling bad about something that already happened, increases the possibility of the child becoming an anxious thinker. Guilt trips might appear to be successful, but they are not benign; they not only produce strong feelings of guilt but also feelings of resentment toward the one trying to manipulate.
And guilt doesn’t fix the problem!
American psychoanalyst Jody Davies often says parents will deal with feelings too painful to hold onto by passing them on to someone else. She calls this a “hot potato” feeling. When we can’t “give” the feeling away, we get angry at whoever is near and seems to be making us feel it. Unfortunately, it is often our children.
Examine your feelings and ask yourself if you have some unrecognized or unresolved feelings of guilt that might be spilling over into how you parent your child. Simply being aware of this possibility may help guard you against guilting your child.
The Bible says, “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). Satan is the master of making us feel guilty, but in Christ, we are free. Why then would we want to place our children under such a heavy yolk?
Please don’t hesitate to email me if you have questions or concerns as you are working through these Online Parenting Classes.
Honored to walk alongside you!
Children’s Pastor
Video Script
Shame Versus Guilt
One time in 4th grade I brought my diary to school, and instead of listening during a math session, I began to write about how cute the boy behind me was. My teacher, having been annoyed with me, for not paying attention, grabbed my diary and began to read to the whole class, out loud, my professions of love for my fellow class mate. I was mortified. I felt panic, and fear, and humiliation and shame. My heart beat faster, my face turned red and I had an overwhelming sense of how horrible I must be. I felt stupid for bringing my diary to school and also getting caught with it in class. I felt like I was the most ridiculous person ever, and no one would want to befriend someone who would embarrass themselves so grossly.
What I have described to you, are feelings of Shame. We all have them. These are moments in time when we are overcome with painful feelings of self-loathing. Shame has often been associated with guilt but we will see how shame and guilt are very different. I am suggesting to you that it is important to see the differences between these two words in order to help our children, and ourselves, overcome episodes of self-doubt and loathing. These episodes are strong and when affirmed by the people around us can cause great harm. If we as parents can recognize them we will come a long way in becoming emotionally healthy, and leading our children in emotional health.
Shame by dictionary definition is “the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous etc., done by oneself or another. Guilt is described as “ a feeling of Responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc. whether real or imagined.” Some have described guilt as the thought “ I have done something bad” and Shame as the thought “ I am bad.”
Shame does not lead to positive change. The feeling is focused on self and disconnection from that which caused the feeling. Shame is internalized and rather than voicing transparently the offense, shame will seek to disconnect from feeling at all, disconnect from people, and hide from the consequences of the incident that caused the shame. For instance, when I was in 4th grade, I wanted to hide under my desk until school was out, and never return to that school again.
Alternately, to feel guilt is to recognize there was an offence and then seek to rectify it. Guilt takes responsibility for a situation and seeks to repair it. Feelings of guilt can lead to healing. You feel remorse about the situation; empathy for the hurt that it may have caused. This actually creates an accountability to change. For instance, I could have felt guilty for not paying attention in class, and recognized the disruption that it caused, and sought to correct that behavior in the future. Although shame and guilt are both evoked by a sense of failure, guilt can move us forward, and the pain of the offense can pass, shame immobilizes us and causes us to want to escape, deny, or blame. Guilt can lead to growth but shame only leads to stagnation. Jesus wants us to confess our guilt but not be defined by it. He asks us to confess our sin, and then accept his forgiveness for it. This allows us to grow and move closer in relationship. God does not want us to be swallowed up in self-loathing but to trust Him and His identity for us. Our relationship with Jesus and His community can lead us out of the stagnant feelings of Shame, and into a repentant walk with Christ.
Now that we know the difference between Shame and Guilt, we can discuss how this affects the way we parent. In the next video, we will discuss How to know if you parent using shame.
Texts/Tweets
TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.
Tweet One: Guilt makes a child feel bad about themselves. #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting
Tweet Two: Guilting a child may lead to anxious thinking. #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting
Tweet Three: There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting
Tweet Four: Satan is the master of guilt. #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting
Tweet Five: Shaming is subtle, but destructive. #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting
Tweet Six: Shaming makes a child feel small and insignificant. #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting
Tweet Seven: Reprimand your child privately; shaming in public has lasting consequences. #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting
Tweet Eight: Silent treatment is deadly treatment. #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting
Tweet Nine: Jesus has removed your guilt; don’t parent with it. #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting
Tweet Ten: As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. (Psalm 103:12) #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting