Discipline Versus Punishment
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Subject Line: Discipline Versus Punishment, Part One
Welcome back!
We’re talking this month about the difference between discipline and punishment, and how the words are often used interchangeably but are quite different.
To review, punishment seeks to control a person’s behavior by fear or retribution, or by inflicting pain to motivate change. Discipline, however, seeks to tie the unwanted behavior to a natural or logical consequence for that behavior. Discipline does not connect a child’s identity to their choices.
The Bible is not silent on the topic of disciplining children. Consider Proverbs 13:24: “He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him” (ESV). The word “discipline” in Hebrew means, “to correct,” or “to warn,” or “to instruct.”
In fact, God uses the word “discipline” in Hebrews 12:5–6 to describe God’s instruction or correction of His people. The writer of Hebrews says, “And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” John echoed this in the book of Revelation, saying, “Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline” (Revelation 3:19 NIV).
These verses communicate two things. First, discipline, or instruction, is closely tied to love. We can’t separate discipline from love because discipline is proof of love. And second, when we discipline our children in love, we are acting in the image of God who disciplines us. Chip Ingram writes that “Any time you see God operating as a parent in the Bible, take note; if you are the kind of parent to your children that God is to His, you can be assured you are on target with parenting.”
Though it might be difficult to discipline your child sometimes, keep in mind the meaning of the word discipline: to correct and instruct. Correcting your child’s wrong behaving and instructing them in behavior that is good and righteous and pleasing to the Lord is one of the most loving things you can do as a parent.
Consider the honor of stewarding your child’s life for a short time and the eternal value of discipline. I hope the video for this month provides some ideas for helping your child to connect the whole of who they are and how they are created. I’m committed to walking with you as your parent!
https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/224801552/73c48bfd2c
Children’s Pastor
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Subject Line: Discipline Versus Punishment, Part 2
So glad to see you again!
God calls parents to discipline their children in love. However, sometimes parents slip into “punishment” mode which connects their misbehavior to their identity, which can have long-term negative effects. On top of that, punishment implies repaying someone with what he or she deserves, the opposite of the gospel.
Genesis 1:27 says, “God created mankind in his own image.” Every child is God’s image-bearer; the goal of parenting is to feed this understanding in a child, rather than punish them in a way that communicates they are the opposite (bad, evil, not good enough, etc.) As a parent, you too are God’s image bearer. Strive to parent in a way that models God’s grace and love to your child.
Here are just a couple of suggestions for ways to discipline your children in a healthy way that does not link their negative behavior to who they are in Christ:
Time-outs: Time-outs are effective modes of discipline, but a tool that must be used in conjunction with other tools. For time outs to be effective, keep them short. Psychologists recommend one minute for each year of your child’s age. Also, eliminate “reinforcers,” such as allowing your child to play during a time out or watch television. Thirdly, use a timer,and if the child leaves a time out too early, restart the timer. Finally, shift to other discipline options if the time-out is ineffective.
Removing privileges: For children 18 months and older, removing things of importance such as toys or playdates works well. However, be careful about making meaningless threats. If you tell a child they will have something taken away for poor behavior, and the child chooses to disobey, don’t go back on your word. Also, increase how long the item is removed according to the child’s age. A few hours might be effective for a three-year-old, but to impact a seven-year-old, you may need to remove the item for a few days.
Logical consequences: The idea here is “the punishment fits the crime.” Look for creative ways to connect the child’s poor behavior to the discipline. For example, if the child was told not to eat his or her red popsicle on the carpet, and chooses to do so anyway, have the child help you clean up the stain.
I’m praying for you and trusting God is meeting you each day as you strive to “train up [your] child in the way he should go” (Psalm 22:6). Press on!
Here on the journey with you!
Children’s Pastor
Video Script
Discipline Vs. Punishment
Just like the words shame and guilt are very different, so are the words punishment and discipline. In order to better understand how to connect with our children and disciple them the way Christ does us, we need to understand the differences between these two words.
My son puts a very high value on honesty. So much so that he has a very hard time understanding the point of April Fools Day. Why would anyone want to lie to someone? I have no idea why he became so attached at such a young age to this particular value, but he is. He chooses honesty not because if he lies he will get into trouble, but he chooses honesty because he values it personally.
This is the goal as a parent when disciplining our children. We want them to act in accordance with their values. To do this we must parent in such a way that we are intentional about disciplining our children rather than punishing them. Punishment and Discipline although sometimes used interchangeable actually have different goals and outcomes. Punishment seeks to control a person’s behavior by fear and retribution. This may give you the obedience you want in the moment but it does not do anything to change the heart of the child. All a child learns in the context of punishment, is that they were bad for doing it, or even more so, bad for getting caught. Punishments focus on the immediate result wanted, not the hard work of molding our children’s character. One study shows that children, who are punished, actually have less guilt, take less responsibility for their actions and have fewer means inside themselves to control their behavior.
Discipline seeks to tie the unwanted behavior to a natural or logical consequence for that behavior. This teaches the child that they are responsible for their choices. They can alter their behavior and change the outcome. They do not tie their identity to their choices. Parents who discipline rather than punish, reinforce the idea that the child is loveable even if the behavior was unlovable.
We want to teach our children why God wants us to choose differently in regards to sinful behavior. Not because if we choose that behavior we are unlovable but because the behavior itself hurts us. The scriptures say go ye therefore into the nations and make disciples. We first do this at home with discipline. Disciplining our children with consequences for their actions, using kind but firm boundaries, and consistency, will show them they are responsible for the outcomes of their actions. The goal of punishment is to inflict pain in order to have change. Let’s choose the harder path to change when it comes to our children’s characters. Let choose the path of discipline.
One of my counselors told me, “Crystal, you need more tools in your parenting tool belt.” Some of you may be like me and began your parenting journey with only a few options to try and raise responsible and obedient children. Start today to learn more about what it means to disciple rather than punish. It will give your children more tools when they parent and bring a future of discipline rather than shame.
Texts/Tweets
TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.
Tweet One: You are God’s image-bearer, and so is your child. #discplineisgood #loveyourchild
Tweet Two: Parent in love and grace. #discplineisgood #loveyourchild
Tweet Three: Punishment is the antithesis of the gospel. #discplineisgood #loveyourchild
Tweet Four: Healthy discipline reaps eternal rewards. #discplineisgood #loveyourchild
Tweet Five: He who loves him is diligent to discipline him (Proverbs 13:24). #discplineisgood #loveyourchild
Tweet Six: Discipline is proof of love. #discplineisgood #loveyourchild
Tweet Seven: Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline (Revelation 3:19).#discplineisgood #loveyourchild
Tweet Eight: Discipline is one of the most loving things you can do as a parent. #discplineisgood #loveyourchild
Tweet Nine: Train up a child in the way of the Lord (Proverbs 22:6). #discplineisgood #loveyourchild
Tweet Ten: We often learn more of God under the rod that strikes us than under the staff that comforts us. – Stephen Charnock #discplineisgood