Do I Parent Using Shame?
Email 1
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Subject Line: Do I Parent Using Shame?, Part One
Hi there!
This month’s parenting video features a sensitive topic: Do I Parent Using Shame? This is one of those topics where we ask you to critique yourself, and be brutally honest. Parenting is not easy, and we want you to be encouraged as you work through areas you might not be strong in. You are growing right along with your child in their development!
If you watched the video and think you might be parenting using shame, consider whether you might be dealing with shame yourself. Ask yourself if you believe false ideas that life should be fair, that you should be perfect, or that your child should have capabilities beyond their developmental abilities. Often, these un-truths lead to the emergence of a parent’s own sense of shame.
When parents carry lethal shame through counterfeit concepts of how life is supposed to be, or because their parents parented them with shame, they often unwittingly dump their own shame on their kids. The child becomes their “secondary receptacle for it.”
Spend some time alone, perhaps with your Bible and a journal, and ask yourself if you may be using shame as a method of disciplining and parenting. God is a God of restoration and redemption, and He will help you replace this need for worth, peace, and safety with Him—which will overflow in how you parent.
We sure hope this Online Parenting class has been helpful and thought provoking (Heb. 4:16). In the next email, I’ll offer some practical suggestions for steps you can take against shame-based parenting.
https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/224800399/ba844fd3d6
Your cheerleader in raising your kids,
Children’s Pastor
Email 2
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Subject Line: Do I Parent Using Shame?, Part 2
Hi there!
We’ve been asking you to ask yourself the question in this month’s Online Parenting Class: Do I Parent Using Shame?
It’s always good to self-evaluate, and critique your parenting so that you can be the best parent you can be. To help you identify whether you are using shame to parent, ask yourself the following questions:
• Do you use negative or shaming comments about what your child is doing or who your child is, instead of parenting them in a way that sees their worth through Jesus’ eyes?
• Do you ridicule, guilt trip, or shame in small ways that seem “harmless”?
• Do you find yourself judging or criticizing your child for behavior, like losing a toy or a jacket, rather than empathizing with them?
• Do you model shaming? For example, do you indulge in being critical and yelling, and wonder why your child is critical of others or yells?
• Do you punish your child for things that are impulses, rather than redirecting and setting a limit to help them learn to control their impulses and learn right from wrong?
Lynne Namka writes that “Harsh, critical parental behavior produces shame-prone, perfectionistic children who then pass the family bad habit down to their children.” Let’s commit to stopping the cycle of shame-based parenting, and instead model our parenting after the only perfect parent—God the father—who parents with patience, love, and grace.
Hopefully, this Online Parenting Class has equipped you with a few tips for dealing with this issue of parenting using shame so you can be a better parent to your child. We understand how difficult parenting is, and are ready with resources and advice when you need it. We are praying for you!
Praying for you and your child,
Children’s Pastor
Video Script
Do I Parent Using Shame?
Our family vacationed at a cabin nearby one weekend. My son, who has ADHD and is a highly sensitive child, was a little overwhelmed with his new surroundings and was quote “bouncing off the walls.” He could hardly contain himself as he ran up and down the stairs, asked the same questions over and over, and was incessantly picking on his younger sister. I had, had enough and exasperated, I asked the question, “What is wrong with you?!?!?”
Have you ever done this? Have you ever used these words or something like them? Many of us have, we may not do it intentionally, but when we are pushed to our limit we can easily fall into making an unwanted behavior our child is expressing, about them personally, and not about the behavior itself. Shame seeks to harm, not guide the child in correcting the behavior. This is actually not effective in getting them to change their behavior, and can do harm to their identity.
The problem for most of us is, we don’t necessary recognize when we are “shaming” our children in our effort to discipline them. If we can become aware of our propensity to shame, then we can take steps to use other tools when disciplining. Here are some symptoms of shame-based parenting that might help you decide if this is a repetitive issue for you. Here are a few questions you may ask yourself.
1. Did I grow up in a “Toxic Shame” environment? Studies show that if you have been raised in an environment where your parents used “shaming” to parent you, you will unintentionally do the same thing. None of us were born with a parenting manual so we use the tools of experience and environment until we educate ourselves with other options. If you have suffered abuse as a child in any capacity, or had parents who struggled with addiction, it is highly likely you suffered shame based parenting as well.
2. Do you withdraw when you are hurt? Many times we as parents will hear a voice inside our heads that speaks to our insecurities. A constant critic ready to berate us at every turn for every decision made. If this sounds familiar to you, odds are these feelings may come out as anger in relationship to disciplining your children. We do not live in a vacuum. What we believe about ourselves will affect how our children view themselves.
3. Is your discipline mostly consistent? When children are criticized for a behavior one day and the same behavior is ignored the next day, it tells the child that it is not the behavior that is “wrong” but that “they” are wrong.
Parenting is hard. I don’t have to say this to you, I’m guessing you already know this, but let me say it again anyway, It .Is. Hard. We long so desperately to do it right and we are fallen human beings who get it wrong in some way, every day. This can feel overwhelming at times. Know that becoming aware of your parenting tendencies can lead you out of shame, and into an empowerment that you can actually DO something to change. Shame based parenting can be learned but it can be unlearned as well. There is hope for us and if we are willing to confess our struggles we can become more emotionally healthy parents and raise more emotionally healthy children.
Texts/Tweets
TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.
Tweet One: Harsh, critical parental behavior produces shame-prone perfectionistic children. — Lynn Namka #parentingwithoutshame #stopthecycle
Tweet Two: Stop the shame cycle. #parentingwithoutshame #stopthecycle
Tweet Three: God parents using love and grace, not shame. #parentingwithoutshame #stopthecycle
Tweet Four: But the Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced— Isaiah 50:7 #parentingwithoutshame #stopthecycle
Tweet Five: Looking to Jesus…who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame… Heb 12:2 #parentingwithoutshame
Tweet Six: Don’t dump your own shame on your kids. #parentingwithoutshame #stopthecycle
Tweet Seven: Replace the need for worth, peace, and safety with Him. #parentingwithoutshame #stopthecycle
Tweet Eight: Are you modeling shame to your kids? #parentingwithoutshame #stopthecycle
Tweet Nine: Commit to stopping the cycle of shame-based parenting. — Sue Atkins #parentingwithoutshame #stopthecycle
Tweet Ten: Children are especially vulnerable to shame. — Sarah MacLaughlin, LSW #parentingwithoutshame #stopthecycle