How to Fight Fair
Email 1
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Subject Line: How to Fight Fair, Part One
Hi there!
This month’s parenting video features a unique topic: how to fight fair with your kids. Does it seem a little strange to receive information on how to fight with your kids? The reality is fights happen. But there are healthy, effective ways to manage arguments to achieve positive results rather than building a thicker wall between you and your kid.
Arguments, more often than not, are power struggles; both people want to be right and will fight to the bitter end to end up on top as the winner. Recognizing this is what is going on with your child could shift how you approach the argument! They are little people acting out of their sin nature that everyone has—young and old alike. They want to win.
Here is where it’s important for you as the parent to act as the parent. Do a self-check for any anxiety you might be bringing in to the situation. Have you had a stressful day at work? Have you been arguing with your spouse or a friend? Your issues at that moment could play into how you respond. They could possibly cloud the situation at hand, and you might not see things not as they really are.
However, if the discussion escalates to a place of disrespect, your job is to make sure you don’t spiral to that same place as well. No matter how your child acts, responds or disrespects you, no matter how angry he or she gets, your son on daughter does not control how you behave. You can control your response. Charles Stanley once wrote, “A Christian has no right to fight unless it’s a spiritual fight.”
We sure hope this Online Parenting class has been helpful in dealing with fights that might erupt with your child. God’s Word promises that when we ask for help, He will respond: “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (Heb. 4:16). I’m here to help you, too! Don’t hesitate to email!
https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/175380702/755afa9efe
Your partner in parenting,
Children’s Pastor
Email 2
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Subject Line: How to Fight Fair, Part 2
Hi there!
We’ve been talking in this month’s Online Parenting Class about how to fight fair with your child. What do you do if a heated discussion escalates to the point where you are losing your temper?
Let’s say you come home from being away from the house for a few hours to find the kitchen a mess and your child’s personal belongings all over the living room. You have company coming over in an hour, and you were not planning on spending the next thirty minutes cleaning up! Here are some ideas:
1. Stop what you are doing. Rather than opening your mouth and immediately reprimanding your child for trashing the house, take a breath. Don’t say anything until you pull yourself together.
2. Plan what you want to say to your child. When you have calmed down, and perhaps after talking to your spouse or a friend, plan or write out exactly what words you want to say and what tone you will say them in.
3. Take action. Tell your child why you are frustrated and what he or she needs to do next.
4. Retreat. Once you’ve said what you planned to say, disengage from the fight. Give them space to respond to your request.
The Bible provides some clear instruction for what God thinks about fighting, and He’s not too keen on it. Colossians 3:8 says to put off all such things as anger, rage, malice, slander, and abusive language, and Galatians 5:19–25 refers to angry outbursts, conflict and factions (among many other character traits) as part of a person’s old, corrupt nature before believing in God.
Parenting is not easy; that’s for sure! And parenting children who lose their tempers and have angry outbursts feels nearly impossible. However, God tells parents how they are to respond: with love, joy, peace, and patience, with great gentleness and self-control (Gal. 5:22–23).
Hopefully, this Online Parenting Class has equipped you with a few tips for how to settle down before a discussion with your child becomes a fight. We understand how difficult parenting is, and are ready with resources and advice when you need it. We are praying for you!
Praying for you and your child,
Children’s Pastor
Video Script
How to Fight Fair
I don’t know if you are a sports fan or not, but I’m just going to bank on the fact that at some point you’ve seen a football game or a basketball game, or something like that. Now, I want you to imagine what it would be like to play those games if you took out the referees, and you took out all of the boundaries. You wouldn’t be able to do it. It would end up in this huge chaotic fight, because in order for sports to work, you need to have someone there as a referee, and you need to have clear boundaries. You know, that works in family life too, and with your child, sometimes your family can get into chaos. I know it’s true, there’s not a home in this world that doesn’t at some point just go into chaos like a sports game without any officials, or without any boundaries, when your home is in chaos, and everyone is fighting. Well, I want to teach you just a few tips on how to fight fair.
The first thing is, draw the boundaries. Draw those boundaries. What I mean by that is, work with your child to make some very clear rules that they’ll respect in the house and that you will respect in the house. Please hear me, I told you to work with your child on this. If they are part of the process, they’ll respect these rules more. Let them make some suggestions. It may be humbling. They may say, “Well, I think the rules should be that you don’t yell at me.” Maybe that would be a good rule, to say no yelling in the house, and when we yell, that’s a penalty.
The second thing is, give authority to your child to call a penalty based on the rules. This is a little bit scary, but it helps keep everyone on the same playing field as far as fighting fair. Now, you are definitely the parent, I’m not suggesting you give that up, but if you break those rules, then the child should be able to respectfully tell you, “Hey, I thought that we weren’t doing that? We said we wouldn’t.” Just like you have the right to tell the child when they break those rules, “Hey,” respectfully, “Hey I thought we weren’t doing that? We said we said we wouldn’t.”
Third, they should be able to call a time out, so should you. Anybody in the family, at any moment, should be able to say, “This is too intense, I need a moment to calm down and think, I’ll be back. I need a time out.” The most important part of a time out though is to say, I’ll be back in 5 minutes, or I’ll be back 10 minutes.” What we don’t want to do is call a time out and then leave and never come back, that doesn’t build trust. When we call a time out, and we come back and want more calm. That gives a chance for us to fight fair, to talk about what really matters, to focus on the issues, not just the emotions that the issues are causing.
Now finally, you need a referee. I don’t know if you have someone that your family can go to, a counselor, or someone that’s trained to help bring both sides together when they are hurting. There’s going to be times in your family, it may be not now, but there’s going to be times in your family, and I would say in your marriage, where you have conflict that’s so deep that you just can’t work it out. Even if you are following the rules and nobody’s getting penalties called in it. Everybody’s staying within the boundaries. You might still get so stuck on an issue that you are facing, that you just need someone to come in as a referee, as that third party that will help guide the conversation and get you to a solution. I think, in my opinion, it’s important to have that person on speed dial so that you know and your family, no matter what you come across, you’ve got a way to find that solution.
Fighting fair is a beautiful way to live as a family. Everybody is going to fight, if you live that closely together in your home, at some point you are going to fight. It’s not bad to fight, as long as you fight fair.
Texts/Tweets
TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.
Tweet One: Ask God for help when your child spins out of control! #fightinggodly
Tweet Two: You control how you behave, not your child. #fightinggodly
Tweet Three: Arguments are power struggles. Give yours up. #fightinggodly
Tweet Four: Seek God’s help before losing your temper with your child. #fightinggodly
Tweet Five: Fight with love, peace and patience. #fightinggodly
Tweet Six: Don’t engage in an argument before pulling yourself together. #fightinggodly
Tweet Seven: Put off all rage and anger; it’s the opposite of God’s nature. #fightinggodly
Tweet Eight: Conquer your child, your temporary opponent, with love. #fightinggodly
Tweet Nine: The Lord will fight for you. #fightinggodly
Tweet Ten: Victory is only found in the Lord! #fightinggodly