Playing the Comparison Game
Overview:
- Email 1
- Email 2
- Video Script
- Parent tweets
Copy/Paste the following email:
Parents,
Being a parent is hard work and sometimes we wonder if we are doing a good job? We hear about other families, other people’s kids and it can be easy for doubt to creep in. Comparing ourselves to others is natural and depending on the situation can either make you feel like parent of the year or a total failure. The last thing you want to hear about when you were up all night with your ten month old is how someone else’s two month old is sleeping through the night! Or how about running into that mom who is always perfectly put together when you can’t remember the last time you got a shower?
Comparisons can be harmful to our self esteem and our outlook on how we are managing. It’s easy to fall into this trap. Before we close the blinds and shut ourselves off from all human contact, we have to realize that we all have good and bad days. No one has completely mastered being a parent!
Take some time and check out this month’s video to see how we can deal with those moments we feel like we don’t measure up. Later this month, you will receive some tools to help you when you are playing the comparison game.
Here is the link to the video: https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/90162336/2b9dba9f43
Thanks,
Preschool Minister
Email Two 2
Subject Line: Playing the Comparison Game
Copy/paste the following email:
Parents,
Have you ever had one of those days when you just barely make it out the door? House is a wreck, you haven’t had a shower today and the kids are already fighting. Your parenting self esteem has already taken a hit when you run into that family. You know the one: they look like they just stepped out of the pages of a magazine, kids are behaving perfectly and mom has brought homemade goodies for the kids to share. How do they do it? Why can’t we do that? Why can’t our child excel like theirs? Sometimes you feel like a parenting what-not-to-do.
It is completely normal to compare ourselves and our kids to others. Unfortunately, we often can pick out our own faults and flaws and they seem to be amplified next to those “perfect people”. The truth is that no parent and no child is perfect. Even those seemingly perfect families have their own problems, too. So what can we do when we catch ourself falling into the comparison trap?
- Remember that milestone development is relative. Of course you want to make sure that your child’s development is on track, but obsessing over it is not helpful. Don’t let others set the standard for where your child should be. Talk with your child’s pediatrician. If they are comfortable with how your child is growing, you should be too. If you don’t trust your pediatrician, you need to find a new doctor.
- Don’t turn parenting into a competition. Being a parent is hard, even on a good day. Why make it even harder by setting unrealistic expectations on yourself and especially on your child? Every family has their own set of issues that they struggle with every day, some just hide it better than others! You never know what someone else may be dealing with behind closed doors.
- Realize that comparisons can steal your joy. Why purposely invite any sort of conflict into your life? We should be striving to be joyful and to find joy everyday. Comparisons can lead to envy and jealousy. Proverbs 14:30 states “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” Find parent friends who are supportive rather than competitive and be that friend to others.
- Be able to admit and own weaknesses, and at the same time recognize and utilize strengths. What is your child good at? Celebrate that and let them know that you are proud of them. Help them to find activities and projects that interest them and that they enjoy. Your child is a unique individual who has things they are good at…do you know what they are or are you too focused on what they cannot do? Apply this to yourself as a parent as well. You may not be the best goodie-baker, but you tell the best stories.
Take a good look at your child. Are they happy, healthy, safe and loved? Congratulations, you are a good parent. Ultimately, these are the things that are important. Enjoy your children for who God created them to be and appreciate the job you have been blessed with as their parent.
Thanks,
Preschool Minister
Video Script
Topic: The Comparison Game
Thank you for joining us at parentministry.net for our first online parenting class for Preschool! We are going to talk about a topic that every parent deals with at some point. This month’s subject is how to handle playing the comparison game with others.
Due to some medical issues, my son suffered from delayed speech. When he was two years old, he was completely nonverbal. We saw doctors, had multiple tests run and began private therapy. The prognosis was good: he would talk, but his speech would be delayed and there was no real timeframe for when it would begin and how it would progress. The good news was that he would talk, but that was sometimes hard to remember. We went through a time that it seemed like we were surrounded by chatterbox children. At preschool, church, the park, everywhere we went, kids were talking up a storm, but our son was silent. He finally began talking at the age of three, but it was a very slow process. We knew we were doing everything we could to help him, but we couldn’t help to wonder if it was enough. It was hard to hear other families able to talk with their kids when we could not.
It is such an easy trap to fall into. Everyday we are in contact with other people. If you are anything like me, your children come up in conversation all the time. We like to check in with each other and brag on our kids! Harmless comments like “Our baby slept through the night at 3 months old!” “Hannah is already potty trained and it only took three days!” “We already have a college fund set up for John!”…who is four by the way, suddenly these comments aren’t so harmless. Now, we are doubting every parental choice we’ve ever made and wondering why our child isn’t like theirs.
Comparisons are so easy to make. They may even seem harmless. We measure progress in any area of life by checking out how we compare. Of course we don’t really think less of our child just because they aren’t just like our friends children! However, playing the comparison game can be harmful for you and your child.
It is natural for us to look for a frame of reference when it comes to raising children. It is such a relief to find parents who are going through the same thing you are. On the flip side, if you find yourself comparing your situation to someone who seems to have it all together or is doing it better than your family, it can be very discouraging. Playing the comparing game puts pressure on yourself as a parent and on your child to perform for the wrong reasons.
We are encouraged to watch for any problems or delays and to get help if we need it. No wonder we are constantly wondering what is “normal”! The truth is that children develop at different rates. We need to be able to celebrate achievements and milestones, regardless of how and when they may happen. They have different strengths, talents and abilities. As parents it is our job to help them develop what is uniquely theirs. Research shows as long as your child is reaching milestones within a normal range, how quickly they reach them has no real bearing on later skills.
Maybe you also compare yourself to that perfect parent. You know the one…they seem to have it all together while you are barely holding on. It can make you feel defeated and drained. Instead, why not focus on what you do well. We all have things we are good at!
Psalm 139:13-14 says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
How wonderful it is to know that God purposely created each of us to be unique and we all know that God doesn’t make mistakes!
Young children believe what they hear. Don’t let your child hear you comparing them. By doing so, you imply that you wish your child was different. Instead we should praise them for what they are doing, regardless of where their skills may fall. Our kids are growing up in a society that tells them who to be and how to act. We want to be able to raise children who are confident in who they are and what they can do. That starts at home by enjoying your child and their abilities.
Later this month be watching out for our next online class email. We will dive into the different areas that we compare our experiences with those of others and how to avoid those traps. We will examine how to celebrate our kids for who they are and what they do.
Weekly tweets from you to the parents:
TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell twitter to store a list of your tweets in one place for later reference.
- TWEET #1 – Comparisons are made everyday. It is up to us if we let them affect us. #urchurchparentministry
- TWEET #2 – As parents it is our job to help our children develop what is uniquely theirs.
#urchurchparentministry - TWEET #3 – Young children believe what they hear. What are you telling your child today?
#urchurchparentministry - TWEET #4 – Are you celebrating who your child is or trying to change them?#urchurchparentministry
- TWEET #5 – Surround yourself with parent friends who are supportive rather than competitive.
#urchurchparentministry - TWEET #6 – Our kids are growing up in a world telling them who/what to be. Make sure your voice is heard and supportive. #urchurchparentministry
- TWEET #7 – Proverbs 14:30 A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Do not let competition steal your joy. #urchurchparentministry
- TWEET #8 – What are your child’s talents? Explore ways to help them develop those skills. #urchurchparentministry
- TWEET #9 – It is natural to look for a frame of reference in raising your child. However, do not let others dictate how you parent. #urchurchparentministry
- TWEET #10 – Celebrate your child, not their achievements. #urchurchparentministry