Encouragement vs. Perfectionism
Month 13 Overview-How do we move from being parents who encourage perfectionism to parents who perfect encouragement?
Email 1
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Are you a perfectionist? Do you have a child who is a perfectionist? Being a perfectionist is ROUGH (I speak from experience) because NO ONE is perfect. It’s exhausting, and to a child who finds personal value from doing something well, it can be a train wreck of emotion.
Sometimes our children are perfectionists because they get it from us. Sometimes we’ve created it in them because we’ve only praised them when they’ve done something well. How often do you hear a parent say something like, “You’re just not great at basketball, I don’t think it’s your thing.”? We tend to tell our children only what they are good at, and often don’t help them understand their weaknesses.
This month we want to help you navigate what it looks like to help your child learn from failure and understand that perfectionism isn’t the goal, excellence is.
https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/111735823/34ddcb48c1
Partnering with you,
Children’s Pastor
Email 2
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Have you ever seen your child become anxious or angry when they make a mistake? Does your little one give up easily? Is he overly cautious about tasks? Does she meltdown when things don’t go as planned? If you answered yes to these questions you probably have a perfectionist on your hands.
If you’ve seen the anxiety that’s created inside the mind of your little perfectionist, I’m guessing you want to know HOW to help them move past perfectionism in order to rationally deal with failure.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says…
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Perspective on weaknesses goes a long way. God’s power is only made perfect in weakness. So we’re to boast in our weakness. That kind of flies in the face of our Western culture. However, His strength is what guides us. Here are some practical tools for helping your little perfectionist move toward becoming one who strives for excellence instead:
- Don’t praise kids for achievements that come easily
- Nix the comparison game
- Talk openly about differences, strengths and weaknesses. We all have them. God created us uniquely with different strengths and weaknesses.
- Be SPECIFIC with your praise. No more “You’re such a good girl.” Instead, “Thanks for taking the initiative to keep your room clean. You’re showing such responsibility.”
Partnering with you,
Children’s Pastor
Video Script
I am not a perfectionist but I am the parent of a perfectionist. I am betting many of you right now can think which of your children leans toward perfectionism. This month we want to help you as a parent learn how to practice the art of encouragement so you child will chase after excellence and not perfection.
Many of our kids struggle with perfectionism because from the outside every other life looks perfect because we are all good at hiding our struggle. Kids have picked up on this. We award kids who excel so many of our children compare themselves to a perfect standard that is in reality does not exist. Perfection is a myth when you are dealing with people but we all chase after it. Think about for just a minute how many times you heard teachers or coaches or even parents as that “failure is not an option?” That idea is insane because we all know it’s a real option and it’s actually the only way we learn.
I have already told you my daughter is a perfectionist and I am not. In 5th grade she made it to the finals of her school spelling bee and she had a real shot to win. She practiced and prepared for a week for the bee and during the contest she advanced to the final few kids. Then the unthinkable happened. My daughter spelled the work right but she made a mistake on the rules of delivery…she got the sequence out of order but she spelled the word correctly. The judges convened and they said she was disqualified because she made the mistake. After the competition I race to get to her before anyone else did because she was so mad. I pulled her close, I hugged her while she cried, and then I whispered in her ear to just accept her mistake and hold her head up. She won to me. She was the only kid out that did not misspell a word!
Encouragement that lead kids to excellence is the kind that embraces failure as a learning tool and a motivation. That’s the kind of encouragement we want to give our kids. Our kids need to know we don’t demand perfection from them in order for us to be for them! Think about what the Bible says in the book of proverbs…
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NLT)
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.
6 Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.
That does not sound like God expects us to be perfect. God knows we won’t be perfect so he calls us to trust in him and rely on Him to show us the way. Kids need to hear that same message from us. They need to hear us consistently push them to give it their all and know we will walk with them no matter what.
This month we want you to focus leading your child to excellence over perfectionism.
Here is were you can start this month…
Praise character not just behavior. (Behaviors change over time but character lasts!)
Be specific with your praise. (Really be clear with what you are praising them for!)
Remember that it’s ok to push your kids to work hard but never make your love for them conditional by demanding perfection. Encouragement is about helping your child embrace the joy of doing their best every day!
Start with these 2 strategies for encouragement this week. Take time this month to evaluate if you have been pushing your child toward perfectionism. If you have, use this month to change that habit. Later in the month you will get an email from your children’s ministry that will continue this online class! We are praying this month helps you build a bridge to the heart of your child.
Weekly tweets from you to parents:
TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell twitter to store a list of your tweets in one place for later reference.
TWEET #1- Take the necessary steps to help your child move toward excellence not perfection. #urchurchparentministry
TWEET #2- Ecnouragement is about helping your child embrace the joy of doing his best every day. #urchurchparentministry
TWEET #3- Failure actually is an option, and is, sometimes, the best way we learn. #urchurchparentministry
TWEET #4-Fight perfectionism in your child by praising character not behavior. #urchurchparentministry
TWEET #5-Anne Lamott: Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life. #urchurchparentministry
TWEET #6-Everyone else seems to have it together when we compare our behind the scenes to their highlight reel. #urchurchparentministry
TWEET #7-Strulgge with perfectionism yourself? Check out Brene Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection #urchurchparentministry
TWEET #8—God has uniquely made each of us with individual strengths and weaknesses. Help your child sees hers realistically. #urchurchparentministry
TWEET #9-Encouragememnt that leads kids to excellence will embrace failure as a learning tool and motiviation. #urchurchparentministry
TWEET #10- Brene Brown; Where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking. #urchurchparentministry