Combating Shame
Email 1
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Subject Line: Combating Shame, Part One
Hello!
As Christian parents, I’m sure one of your goals is to raise children who can stand firm in a world that is surrounded by darkness. But it’s tough! Let’s face it. The world is, quite simply, not nice. People are lost, and lost people are raising kids. These kids are in your kids’ social circles. And sometimes this means they will act in a way that does not build up other children, including your children.
Your work is cut out for you.
We are here to help. This month’s Online Parenting Class video is about Combating Shame. If you think your child is believing the lie that they are a failure, are not good enough, or are a “bad person,” don’t wait to intervene. Phrases you might hear sound like, “I’m no good at anything,” or “I’m such a bad girl.” One of the most important jobs you have as a parent is to be in tune to your kids’ emotions and to step in when something is awry.
Intently listen to where these false beliefs might be stemming from, and take appropriate steps to address those who might be speaking untruths to your child. Then, make sure to constantly and consistently “fight back” by lovingly teaching your child truth. Help them to understand that sometimes they might not choose the best behavior, but that doesn’t mean they are a bad person.
I’m praying for you and trusting God is meeting you each day as you strive to “train up [your] child in the way he should go” (Psalm 22:6). Press on!
https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/224799007/8e4b7fdef6
Your partner in parenting,
Children’s Pastor
Email 2
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Subject Line: Combating Shame, Part 2
Hi there!
We are talking about Combating Shame in this month’s Online Parenting Class video.
Consider the following. Mitch Abblett writes, “A 2011 study in Psychological Bulletin by researchers at Syracuse University and St. John Fisher College indicated a link between peoples’ experience of shame and symptoms of major depression and a stronger link for shame than for guilt. Pervasive negative emotions like shame have also been associated with inflammatory conditions such as coronary artery disease. Shame not only hurts, but it also damages.”
For this reason, it’s critical that parents learn to discern if their child is experiencing shame, even at an early age. Pay attention to their demeanor. Has their personality changed? Have they grown quiet? Do they complain about headaches or tummy aches? Perhaps the root of the problem could be that they are experiencing the powerful emotion of shame.
This feeling of shame could be coming from how your child’s peers talk and relate to your son or daughter. Or—and this takes a willingness to evaluate yourself—it could be the way you talk to and discipline your kids.
Be honest with yourself. Ask yourself how you talk to your kids. Notice the difference between the following two corrective sentences:
1. Sue, how could you write on the table with a sharpie? You clearly weren’t using your head!
2. Sue, sharpies leave permanent marks. If you want to color, let’s choose a pen that won’t stay on wood forever.
The first phrase demeans the child as a person. Hearing these words might make the child feel like they are a dumb person. However, the second phrase teaches the child about the permanence of Sharpie markers to help them make a better choice the next time they want to color. Yes, you might have to swallow the fact that your new table is ruined. However, speaking this way does not attack who the child is as a person.
Above all, ask God to help guard your words. Ask Him to help you pause before speaking to your child when disciplining with your words. The psalmist wrote, “Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips” (Psalm 141:3).
Press on in your work in parenting. I know it’s not easy! My prayer for you is that you do not feel alone in your parenting. I’m available if you have questions or need support as you continue on this journey of parenting—a high calling from God!
Standing firm with you,
Children’s Pastor
Video Script
Combating Shame
On one especially tough day, I was putting my son who has been diagnosed with ADHD to bed. I can not count the number of times I had to tell him “No.” “Stop That.” “Please Don’t Do That.” We were all exhausted. When I went to put him back in bed for the second time that night, he was in tears and I was angry. I was so done with this day. So done. But my son needed me. I needed the couch and some hot coco and a show to veg on. But he needed me. I stood in the doorway of his room and I knew I had two choices. I could kiss him goodnight and go to my couch or I could sit with him, and ask him some questions about what he was thinking. The latter was the more difficult. It required parenting I did not want to give after a long day. But it was also, the choice that would open my eyes to the shame he was feeling and the power I had as his mom to speak truth to it.
Many of us have seen this scenario play out in our children. They have failed and they are remorseful and they turn their remorse into themselves. They hear a critical voice in their head that tells them they are a “Screw Up.” “They can’t do anything right.” “They will never succeed.” “They are not loveable.” These voices are not foreign ones. Many of us as parents hear them as well. How do we fight these inner voices in our children that lie about their value and steal their joy? How do we help our children who are steeped in shame, come out of self-pity and into spiritual and emotional growth?
First and foremost I do not say this lightly but I am asking you to Pray. Pray and ask the spirit to guide you as you seek to uncover what is going on in your child’s heart and mind. This is something that can not be forced or pushed but when we are given a window and we are willing to risk ourselves and our pride, the Lord can do powerful things in combating lies in our children’s hearts about their worth and value.
Second, when you feel the desire to pull away. To not deal. To hide or to sweep things under the rug, instead, lean in. Breath. If you must, take a minute to collect your thoughts but lean in. Do not ignore it. Don’t shove your feelings down. Don’t excuse yourself or them. Lean In. Ask questions. Make space for communication. Give them space and time as well but make yourself present. Available. All Ears. All In. Ask questions. Ask Jesus to give you good questions to ask. You can not fight lies in your child’s head if you don’t know they are there, and nine times out of 10 they will not tell you unless you ask. They sometimes don’t even know at first and it isn’t until the conversation begins to unravel that they figure it out.
Third. Give your children words for how they think and feel. My kids are younger so they may need this more than older children but we have described “The Inner Voice” as the Voice of the enemy who wants them to believe lies about themselves. That God wants them to know and believe Truth about themselves and that when they believe Truth they have the Power over the pain inside of them. If they are older, you might want to see how much they know and understand about the word “Shame” and how that plays out in their own life and relationship with God and other people.
These are hard things. They require us to be intimate with our children. What I mean by that is, it requires us to sacrifice our desire to run from pain and instead embrace it with our children. This is Empathy and it is a tool, a weapon God has given us to combat Shame. It also requires us to share with our Children our own pain, fear and tendency to hear our own “Inner Voice” that tells us lies about who we are. I have told my children that although I know it isn’t true, I often hear the voice that I am not a good mom, and I have to tell someone I trust about the voice I hear, and that someone reminds me of the truth about myself and what God says about me.
In this way we model for our children, Transparency, Vulnerability and Empathy. We model that its ok to admit we fear, and it takes courage to voice that fear, and we have the power to choose truth over fear.
You are not alone in these things. The spirit is with you. It is also important to find people around us who are also walking this path. People we can trust not to judge us, but to listen and pray for us, as we seek to be instruments of healing for our children. May the Spirit reward you greatly as you do this work Parent Warriors.
Texts/Tweets
TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.
Tweet One: Don’t attack your child as a person; discipline the behavior. #shamedamages #fightback
Tweet Two: Love your child enough to critique your parenting. #shamedamages #fightback
Tweet Three: Shame not only hurts; it damages. #shamedamages #fightback
Tweet Four: Are your words demeaning your child? #shamedamages #fightback
Tweet Five: Tune in to your kids’ emotions and to step in when something is awry. #shamedamages #fightback
Tweet Six: Your child’s mistakes do not define them. Do they know that? #shamedamages #fightback
Tweet Seven: Grace means that your child’s mistakes serve a purpose; they do not serve shame. #shamedamages #fightback
Tweet Eight: Jesus does not shame . . . nor should we. #shamedamages #fightback
Tweet Nine: Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips. — Psalm 141:3 #shamedamages #fightback
Tweet Ten: Let grace abound in your parenting (Romans 5:20). #shamedamages #fightback