What is It?
The car is a great place for parents to connect with their children. This resources was created to provide parents with conversation ideas for when they’re driving in the car with their kids!
How do I use it?
This is in pdf format so you can:
Copy/Paste the following email:
Subject Line: Shame Versus Guilt, Part One
We meet again!
This month’s video is Shame Versus Guilt. We’re talking about how guilt is described as “I have done something bad” while shame is the belief that “I am bad.” We discuss how shame doesn’t typically lead to change, while guilt recognizes offense and the desire to rectify that offense.
It is good to know the difference between shame and guilt because both affect the way we parent. In this email, I’ll address the issue of shaming.
Sometimes parents connect shaming and parenting with things like spanking, public scolding, or another discipline. However, there are other ways parents shame their children, and they are often subtle. This can include demeaning your child, or even rolling your eyes at your son or daughter after they have done something of which you don’t approve.
Words like “Why are you acting like a two-year-old?” spoken to a child, especially in front of others, are also a form of shaming. Not only is this parenting pointless, ineffective, and hurtful, it can be terribly destructive. Seeking to change a child’s behavior by making him or her feel shame makes a child feel small and insignificant.
When eight-year-old Jane accidentally hit her sister in the head with her doll from swinging it around her head like a lasso, her mother had had enough. “What are you thinking? Did you think you wouldn’t eventually hit someone when you play with the doll like that?” Jane burst out into tears, ran to her room, and rolled up in a ball on her bed. Jane’s mother communicated to Jane that she had done something idiotic, whether that was her intent or not.
Though Jane shouldn’t have been swinging her doll around, it’s important to remember that there is a difference between shaming and disciplining. Discipline is about correcting and guiding a child toward more appropriate behavior. A candid discussion about the reasons why we don’t swing toys over our heads, especially around younger children, followed by helping the child understand other ways to express feelings or needs, is more in order.
We hope this article will help you consider times you may be shaming your child without realizing it. We hope you benefit from the tips and tools offered both in the video and in the emails.
https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/224801238/dc2f345e13
Here on the journey with you!
Children’s Pastor
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Subject Line: Shame Versus Guilt, Part 2
Hello again!
This month’s video provided the background for Shame Versus Guilt.
Shaming a child as discipline results in a child who feels bad about him or herself. However, guilting a child is just as destructive. Guilt is a tool adults use to make others feel bad, and unfortunately, too often use as a parenting tactic. Guilt parenting uses psychological means to shape a child’s behavior. A few examples of guilt parenting might include:
• I’m so ashamed of your behavior at Aunt Sue’s last night.
• You should thank me for going to work every day to provide food for the family.
As with shame, most kids can’t differentiate between understanding they did a bad thing, versus believing they are a bad person.
Many psychologists believe using guilt to prod a child into acting how you want them to, or feeling bad about something that already happened, increases the possibility of the child becoming an anxious thinker. Guilt trips might appear to be successful, but they are not benign; they not only produce strong feelings of guilt but also feelings of resentment toward the one trying to manipulate.
And guilt doesn’t fix the problem!
American psychoanalyst Jody Davies often says parents will deal with feelings too painful to hold onto by passing them on to someone else. She calls this a “hot potato” feeling. When we can’t “give” the feeling away, we get angry at whoever is near and seems to be making us feel it. Unfortunately, it is often our children.
Examine your feelings and ask yourself if you have some unrecognized or unresolved feelings of guilt that might be spilling over into how you parent your child. Simply being aware of this possibility may help guard you against guilting your child.
The Bible says, “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). Satan is the master of making us feel guilty, but in Christ, we are free. Why then would we want to place our children under such a heavy yolk?
Please don’t hesitate to email me if you have questions or concerns as you are working through these Online Parenting Classes.
Honored to walk alongside you!
Children’s Pastor
Shame Versus Guilt
One time in 4th grade I brought my diary to school, and instead of listening during a math session, I began to write about how cute the boy behind me was. My teacher, having been annoyed with me, for not paying attention, grabbed my diary and began to read to the whole class, out loud, my professions of love for my fellow class mate. I was mortified. I felt panic, and fear, and humiliation and shame. My heart beat faster, my face turned red and I had an overwhelming sense of how horrible I must be. I felt stupid for bringing my diary to school and also getting caught with it in class. I felt like I was the most ridiculous person ever, and no one would want to befriend someone who would embarrass themselves so grossly.
What I have described to you, are feelings of Shame. We all have them. These are moments in time when we are overcome with painful feelings of self-loathing. Shame has often been associated with guilt but we will see how shame and guilt are very different. I am suggesting to you that it is important to see the differences between these two words in order to help our children, and ourselves, overcome episodes of self-doubt and loathing. These episodes are strong and when affirmed by the people around us can cause great harm. If we as parents can recognize them we will come a long way in becoming emotionally healthy, and leading our children in emotional health.
Shame by dictionary definition is “the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous etc., done by oneself or another. Guilt is described as “ a feeling of Responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc. whether real or imagined.” Some have described guilt as the thought “ I have done something bad” and Shame as the thought “ I am bad.”
Shame does not lead to positive change. The feeling is focused on self and disconnection from that which caused the feeling. Shame is internalized and rather than voicing transparently the offense, shame will seek to disconnect from feeling at all, disconnect from people, and hide from the consequences of the incident that caused the shame. For instance, when I was in 4th grade, I wanted to hide under my desk until school was out, and never return to that school again.
Alternately, to feel guilt is to recognize there was an offence and then seek to rectify it. Guilt takes responsibility for a situation and seeks to repair it. Feelings of guilt can lead to healing. You feel remorse about the situation; empathy for the hurt that it may have caused. This actually creates an accountability to change. For instance, I could have felt guilty for not paying attention in class, and recognized the disruption that it caused, and sought to correct that behavior in the future. Although shame and guilt are both evoked by a sense of failure, guilt can move us forward, and the pain of the offense can pass, shame immobilizes us and causes us to want to escape, deny, or blame. Guilt can lead to growth but shame only leads to stagnation. Jesus wants us to confess our guilt but not be defined by it. He asks us to confess our sin, and then accept his forgiveness for it. This allows us to grow and move closer in relationship. God does not want us to be swallowed up in self-loathing but to trust Him and His identity for us. Our relationship with Jesus and His community can lead us out of the stagnant feelings of Shame, and into a repentant walk with Christ.
Now that we know the difference between Shame and Guilt, we can discuss how this affects the way we parent. In the next video, we will discuss How to know if you parent using shame.
TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.
Tweet One: Guilt makes a child feel bad about themselves. #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting
Tweet Two: Guilting a child may lead to anxious thinking. #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting
Tweet Three: There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting
Tweet Four: Satan is the master of guilt. #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting
Tweet Five: Shaming is subtle, but destructive. #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting
Tweet Six: Shaming makes a child feel small and insignificant. #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting
Tweet Seven: Reprimand your child privately; shaming in public has lasting consequences. #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting
Tweet Eight: Silent treatment is deadly treatment. #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting
Tweet Nine: Jesus has removed your guilt; don’t parent with it. #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting
Tweet Ten: As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. (Psalm 103:12) #guilt #shame #destructiveparenting
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Subject Line: Handling Frustration, Anger, and Arguments, Part One
Hi there!
This month’s Online Parenting Class has been focused on handling frustration, anger, and arguments in the home. John 16:33 says, “In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” Tribulation is great trouble or suffering. Though you will have days as a parent when you will feel like indeed you are experiencing great trouble and suffering resulting from your child’s intense moods, Jesus said “take heart” for He has overcome the world. He has overcome the tension in your home! However, you may have to muddle through those difficult times as you raise your child hand in hand with God!
Frustration and anger are common emotions. Parents can help their child learn to manage feelings of frustration that bubble up into burst of anger by trying to master a few tips themselves:
• Let your child know you are on his side. Stress that you love him no matter what. “I don’t love your behavior right now, but I love you.”
• Give your child words to express their anger: “I know you are disappointed (or sad, or frustrated).”
• Acknowledge challenges your child may be experiencing.
• Redirect anger by offering other outlets to express it like jumping on a trampoline or painting.
• Teach persistence. When your child is struggling with something, whether it’s homework, chores, or getting along with a sibling, help him develop strategies for success.
• Nurture “cooling” buttons. Figure out what words or phrases “cool” your child’s frustration or anger, and revert to those first when things heat up rather than bursting out in an angry response yourself. If your child responds to compassion, “I understand how frustrating this is, Joe . . .” or humor, “Yes, this pile of toys looks like that mountain we hiked last week!” go there first.
Most importantly, listen, listen, listen. As parents, we tend to want to speak and fix, rather than hear what is going on in a child’s heart that is making them frustrated. Consider James’ words: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” (James 1:19). Consider memorizing this verse with your child—and having a conversation where both of you will commit to trying to be better listeners.
Help your child to connect this verse when things heat up. The best way to do this is by modeling it yourself. Listen intently, and respond with affirmation.
Dealing with frustration and arguments in the home is not easy, but there is hope! Please don’t hesitate to email me if you have questions or concerns as you are working through these Online Parenting Classes.
https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/200409720/74663a1bf1
Serving you and your family,
Children’s Pastor
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Subject Line: Handling Frustration, Anger, and Arguments, Part 2
Glad you are back!!
This month we have been discussing how to handle frustration, anger, and arguments in the home. We’ve talked about how this is a topic in the Bible—God is not unaware that people will grow frustrated and angry, and this does not exclude kids.
The best thing a parent can do to help their child deal with frustration is assist them in storing up God’s Word in their hearts which will lead to heart change—and thus behavior change. But what do you do when your child is yelling, slamming doors, or having a complete temper tantrum? In the heat of the moment, it’s hard to know what to do. Simply reminding them of Scripture probably won’t work!
Children must find their own path for dealing with frustration, and as parents, it’s our critical responsibility to help them along the way. Bob Bowen, a national anger management trainer, says that how a parent responds to his child’s anger is how the parent teaches. “When a child sees a parent managing his own frustration and anger, he will learn by example,” Bowen said.
Parents, strive to handle your own emotions first. Your child is watching how you respond to his or her frustration and anger and will pick up cues. Ask God to fill you, the parent, with His love because 1 Corinthians 13:5 says, “[Love] is not easily angered.” Love concentrates on the other person—in this case, the child. Though you may be frustrated yourself at the behavior, take a step back and choose to love your child enough to figure out what will help “cool them off” the best.
I am excited for what you have ahead with your child. Isaiah 26:3 says, “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.” God is walking with you, and will give you peace in the storms when your mind is fixed on Him.
I am walking with you too!
Children’s Pastor
Handling Frustration, Anger, and Arguments
You know, mirrors serve a purpose. We have mirrors all around our house, and we kind of need those sometimes to make sure we’re looking good, you know what I mean? If you think about a mirror, it actually has another purpose for us today, because I want to use that as an analogy to give you a quick parenting tip that maybe, just maybe might help stop some of the yelling in your home. That’s something we all want, right?
Well, if you think of a mirror, maybe if you could think of your child as a mirror. Many times when we have conversations or conflicts with our kids, they mirror the way we are talking to them in our tone. If we’re yelling or not yelling. If we’re frustrated or not frustrated. Our moods. Our non-verbal communication. All of those things sometimes, a lot of kids, different personalities I know, but some of them really mirror and reflect us.
One way that we can cut down on the problems and frustrations and arguments in our home is by making sure that we set the tone in our communication. That we are as gentle as we possibly can. Sometimes it’s easier than others. That we use as little emotion as possible in our communication, so that we can keep everything calm and stay focused on really the issues that we’re trying to discuss. Not all the emotions swirling around those issues. If we come with that kind of tone and with that kind of conversation, a lot of times our kids will follow us and reflect our lead. Think about that the next time you’re having a conversation with your kid. You be a mirror and give them a great example of how to communicate and see if that doesn’t help.
TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.
Tweet One: Always be quick to listen. James 1:9. #calmthestorm
Tweet Two: “Cooling” buttons bring the heat down. #calmthestorm
Tweet Three: Respond calmly to a child’s frustration; they are watching. #calmthestorm
Tweet Four: Handle your own emotions first—then your child’s. #calmthestorm
Tweet Five: Children who learn to handle emotions well will handle them better as adults. #calmthestorm
Tweet Six: Stay calm; your children are watching. #calmthestorm
Tweet Seven: Love is not easily angered. 1 Corinthians 13:5. #calmthestorm
Tweet Eight: How a parent responds to his child’s anger is how the parent teaches. #calmthestorm
Tweet Nine: Teach your kids how to deal with frustration by example. #calmthestorm
Tweet Ten: You are not alone in the storms in your home; God is with you. #calmthestorm
What is It?
This 4-part study is for parents to refocus their attentions and intentions back on what should be first place in their home, God and His kingdom. Each stand-alone but connected study will be based around one of the key sections of Matthew 6.
How do I use it?
This is a pdf so you can:
Copy/Paste the following email:
Subject Line: Developing Good Study Habits, Part One
Welcome back!
This month’s Online Parenting Class is focused on helping your child develop good study habits. Paul talked about “studying” in 2 Timothy 2:15, reminding us to “Study to show yourself approved by God, a workman who need not be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.” Though Paul was speaking about studying God’s Word, there are principles that can be drawn from this truth that can carry forward into all areas of your child’s life.
However, kids don’t tend to love doing homework or studying, and parents often wrestle with crossing that line of helping to motivate their kids and nagging. Consider the following ideas to avoid homework battles and develop good study habits that will carry with them into adulthood.
First, set some reasonable goals. If your child’s attention runs short, set a timer for, say, twenty minutes. After he or she works for the agreed-upon time, allow them to take a break for five minutes before returning to their studies. Set weekly targets, as well. On a day where your child is not stressed or weighted with other distractions, sit down together and talk about reasonable goals they feel they can meet to set them up for success.
Next, brainstorm an appropriate reward system for completing a week of homework. Together you can create a chart to document progress and meaningful rewards that will motivate your child. Does your child enjoy computer time? Perhaps thirty minutes of computer time would be an agreeable reward. Does he or she like to bake with you? If the child’s goals were met, maybe making cookies with mom is the perfect reward. If your child is social, consider hosting a play date the following week. Make sure to follow through with these rewards—or the whole system will fall apart!
You may even teach your child the verse: “All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty” (Proverbs 14:23). Help them to connect this verse with how hard they have worked—to connect their success with their effort.
I am with you in the journey, and am praying for you and your family. Please don’t hesitate to email me if you have questions or concerns as you are working through these Online Parenting Classes.
https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/200407436/2b84bd5831
Serving you and your family,
Children’s Pastor
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Subject Line: Developing Good Study Habits, Part 2
Hello again!
We’ve been talking in this month’s Online Parenting Class about helping your child to develop good study habits.
There are different ways to structure study and homework time, and it will vary depending on your household schedule and your child’s personality and abilities. However, scheduling a routine “work period” for each day of each week, starting from an early age, is important.
Some parents require kids to hunker down and open up their backpacks immediately after school—but this might not work for all (probably most) kids. Keep in mind they’ve been working hard for many hours and a bit of relaxation or play time might be of great benefit. Figure out what works for your child, and then try and be consistent. If it works to do homework from 4:00-5:00 pm every night, make that family “homework” time.
Set aside time on the weekends, too, to finish up studies or projects—which will be likely more of an issue with older children. Help your kids learn to finish their studies in as relaxed a way as possible, rather than at the last minute or late at night.
As your children are exposed to more and more difficult subjects and material, help them learn some effective study strategies. This might include:
• Keeping an agenda with the date the assignment is due
• Breaking up larger projects with “mini-deadlines” to avoid last-minute panic trying to get the assignment done
• Making flash cards
• Studying for tests well before the actual day of the test
• Organizing study groups
• Learning to take organized notes
I hope this month’s Online Parenting Class has given you some tools to help with developing good study habits in your kids. We understand how difficult parenting is, and are ready with resources and advice when you need it. We are praying for you!
Together in Him,
Children’s Pastor
Developing Good Study Habits
Remember the days before “Google”, when you had to go find out the answers to questions in a book? Maybe you would even had to ask your mom to drive you to the library? You would go inside, talk to a real live person and they would walk you over to cabinet of little cards with all the names of the books on them. You would then have to go find that book, then look up the information you were seeking… all while fighting off a dinosaur? Okay maybe not that far back, but you get the idea.
Our children are born into a world where the Internet and Google has always been around. Information is easily available to them. A few clicks of a mouse inside their home, and they can find the answers to a question.
Developing good study habits because of the world our children now know may not seem as important as it once did. The physical effort to go and seek out an answer is not the same, but the mental and spiritual effort still is. Your child still needs to develop good study habits.
Proverbs 1:5 says, ” Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance…” Studying and learning is important not just for academic success but spiritual success, also. II Timothy 2:15 in the Modern English Translation, use the word “Study”, when it says “study to show yourself approved by God, a workman who need not be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.” There is a connection. Learning to study academically and study spiritually comes from the same good habits.
Here are few study habits you can help your child develop:
1. Get organized and have a plan. Whether it is a younger child or an older child, getting in the habit of organizing their papers, books or supplies will help them focus as they make a plan. Another great habit is making sure your child has all of the the required supplies before they begin. Whether it is a pencil or a calculator, make sure they get in the practice of thinking ahead and having what they need. Finally, together, come up with a checklist or steps to follow for particular assignments or regular work.
2. Find a regular quiet study spot. Get away from distractions and others so they can focus on what they are reading and studying. Help them decide on a regular daily time to make study time. Even as a family come up with a time each day to be a quiet “study time”. Make sure that electronics are off and there is no background noise. Creating a regular time and spot will help your child stay on task and stay focused.
3. Learn active reading and listening. There are 3 keys to developing the habit of being an active reader or listener. First, active reading and listening is about eye contact, continual contact on the speaker or page. Staying focused on the person or the page.
Second is the practice of avoiding interruption and multitasking. Connected to organization and finding a quiet study stop, active reading and listening is making sure your child works to stay on a single, continual task.
Finally, active study habits involve good note taking and questions. As your child reads or studies, teach them to write down thoughts or questions as they have them. This will engage your child’s mind in what is being learned, while also creating helpful reminders afterward.
Developing good study habits now will translate into good independent study habits in college and later good work habits as adults. Take and make the time to help your child to develop these skills now.
TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.
Tweet One: All hard word brings a profit. #effort #success
Tweet Two: Set manageable goals for your kids. #effort #success
Tweet Three: Work together to create weekly study goals. #effort #success
Tweet Four: Fight homework battles by breaking homework into smaller chunks. #effort #success
Tweet Five: Meaningful rewards will help motivate your child. #effort #success
Tweet Six: Work hard, study hard, play hard. #effort #success
Tweet Seven: Success results from reaching set goals. #effort #success
Tweet Eight: Learning good study habits young will impact life as an adult.#effort #success
Tweet Nine: Model good study habits to your child.#effort #success
Tweet Ten: Gratefulness is the secret weapon against bitterness. #effort #success
What is It?
This 4-part study is for parents to refocus their attentions and intentions back on what should be first place in their home, God and His kingdom. Each stand-alone but connected study will be based around one of the key sections of Matthew 6.
How do I use it?
This is a pdf so you can:
