The Potential of Saying No

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The Potential of Saying No

There is nothing quite as fun as being able to get our kids what they want on their birthday or at Christmas. They make a list, we think about it, then, hopefully, we get to surprise them with the gift. Giving our kids good things is rewarding.

In this online parenting class we are going to talk about giving our kids something they don’t get enough from many of us. This month we are going to talk about the potential of saying no more often at home.

No does not seem like a fun thing to give to our kids. No seems like the opposite of fun and many times its not that fun, but it’s 100% good. We live in a say yes culture. We say yes to opportunity, so we get our children involved in tons of activities. We say yes to fun toys and gadgets so our kids can be entertained. We say yes to church activities, so we plug them into all kinds of programs. We say yes to friends and what I call parent pressure, so we get our kids into all kind of cultural activities so they don’t miss out. We say yes all the time and most families are spiraling out of control trying to keep up.

Our addiction to saying yes has left many of our families and our marriages in a terrible state of frustration. This month we want you to try out a new word than can bring focus and health to your home and than word is no.

No is a difficult word to say in the moment. When we say it we are worried about the consequences. Will we miss out? Will we hurt someone’s feelings? Will our kids understand? These are all just fears of the unknown and probably are unrealistic. Most of the time saying no will only allow you as a parent to help your family focus on important things. Saying no has the potential to allow you to control your family calendar and actually allow your home to function as a healthy pace. That is a powerful tool.

Saying no can be hard so here are four places to start saying no more…

Say no to things that keep your family from sharing family meals together.

Look at your calendar and see what is pulling your family away from eating together and hanging out. I bet you have said yes to too many good things that you are missing the best things at home. Don’t trade that time away. Leverage no and pull back so you can have time at home together.

Say no to things that you really don’t see value in.

There are some invites that need to be turned down because you are only saying yes out of obligation. You have limited amounts of time to plug your kids into meaningful experiences. Don’t waste that important time with things that have little value.

Say no to things that are not healthy for your child.

There are just things that are not good for our kids. Unlimited access to the internet is bad. Unlimited exposure to TV is not healthy. Only eating gummy bears will lead to a terrible dental bill. Allowing your child to spend the night with a family you don’t trust can lead to bad situations. Leverage no when you don’t sense something is good rather than live with regret of a careless yes.

Finally…
Say no some things that your kids are asking for.
Sometimes we say yes to our kids so much we simply spoil them. Don’t give in the pressure to say yes to everything your child wants. They will be fine without the latest gadget or toy. You may get it down the road, but teach them they are not going to get everything they want. Kids need to hear no from us in order to appreciate when we say yes.

Thanks for checking this online class out. Go out and leverage your no today.

Texts/Tweets

TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.

Tweet One: Our addiction to saying yes has left many families in a terrible state of frustration. #parenting #strongparent #sayno #stoptheyes

Tweet Two: The most powerful word a parent can use is the word “no”. It has the power of health, happiness, and hope for a child’s future. #sayno

Tweet Three: Parents needs to learn to say no to things that take them away from family meals. #mealtime #familymeals #sayno #parenting

Tweet Four: Parents that say no to things that hold no value will, in the end, value their marriage, home and kids more. #parenting #saynotosayyes

Tweet Five: Leverage no when you don’t sense something is good rather than living with the regret of a careless yes. #parent #family #sayno

Disrespectful Speech and Attitudes

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Disrespectful Speech and Attitudes

Please and Thank You. The moment I put those 2 words together we think about manners and the way we behave around other people. When we drop our kids off to spend the night at a friends house most of us look them in the eye and remind them of one final bit of instruction. “Make sure and say please and thank you!”

The way our kids talk and behave matters to us as parents. This month in our online parenting class we want to process what we should do when our kids are off the rails with disrespectful talk and attitudes. Don’t worry…there is hope.

Even the best kids go through seasons where they push the boundaries of their attitudes and the words they use to show defiance. Words and attitudes are just an outward expression of what is going on inside our kids. Let’s just go ahead and admit that they are not always little angels. Kids want their way. As your kids get older and they don’t get their way they will often lash out with words and attitudes that catch us off guard. The question is, how we will respond, and how can we guide them in a different direction?

How we respond is critical! When our kids act out verbally or with disrespectful attitudes, many times we lash back out at them with words and with our own attitudes. This teaches them that this is the normal way to respond when we don’t het our way. Raising your parental volume over your child’s behavior is not going to help them actually change their response to not getting their way. The best response to disrespectful speech is actually calm, confident, respectful confrontation and clear direction. When you respond with confidence and clarity you are affirming your love for them but also exposing a different way to communicate. It’s easy to forget that our kids are learning how to deal with their emotions from us.

You are not always going to get this right, but you can, over time, learn to respond to emotional unhealth with emotional health. When your child lashes out they are just living in the moment. You can parent above the moment!

This month here are three steps to take if your child is stuck in a season of disrespect…

Look in the Mirror

Think back about how you are responding to people on the phone when you are around your child. How are you communicating with your spouse? How are you dealing with stress? Sometimes our kids are learning bad habits from us. Work hard to remember that you are being watched and listened to.

Limit Bad Influences

Often our children are learning bad relational habits from friends or the media they are consuming. There could be a friend that is really pulling your child in a bad direction with words and attitude. Limit that friend’s access and make sure to point out why they should not follow after those patterns. The influence could be coming from a character on TV or the Internet. Look into what they are consuming. Guard those influences.

Challenge the Bad & Reward the Good

Be quick to challenge disrespectful speech or attitudes but also be quick to reward the right words and attitudes. What is rewarded is repeated!

The way kids talk and their attitudes can be adjusted. You can do this! We are praying for you as you invest in your child this month.

Texts/Tweets

TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.

Tweet One: Words and attitudes are just an outward expression of what is going on inside our kids. #inwardoutward #luke635 #parenting #insideout

Tweet Two: Raising your parental volume over your child’s behavior is not going to help. #volumecontrol #parenting #notlouder #godlyparenting

Tweet Three: Best response to disrespectful speech is actually calm, confident, respectful confrontation and clear direction. #respondwell

Tweet Four: Children are a mirror of their parent’s attitudes and behavior. How is the reflection? #reflect #mirrormirror #parenting #lookingback

Tweet Five: Be quick to challenge disrespectful speech/attitudes but also be quick to reward the right words & attitudes. What is rewarded is repeated!

Tweet Six: Parent above the moment. #respondwell #parenting

Tweet Seven: Who and what is influencing your child? Is it good or bad? #guardthoseinfluences #parenting

Tweet Eight: Our kids are watching to see how we respond to situations. They learn what they see. #mirrors #parenting #respondwell

No Perfect Parent

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No Perfect Parent

I don’t have to tell you that Parenting is a humbling experience. Humbling. Sometimes I am overwhelmed at the amount of help out there and I feel like I’m going to drown in the information. I can’t possibly do it all. Remember it all. Teach it all. It’s when I experience these feelings that I can be the most honest and admit that I am not perfect, and my children will not be perfect either. This is not a hopeless statement. It is not one where I give up, but an empowering truth that reminds me, Perfection is not my goal.

As parents we need to give ourselves permission to fail. Even after we watch all the parenting videos and we read all the books and we go to all the therapy. At the end of the day, we are human. We are sinful. We will fail. Sometimes it will be out of rebellion. We know what we should do but we just don’t want to do it. Sometimes it will be unintentional. We thought we knew what was the right thing to do, and it turned out to bring more damage than good.

I have a friend who was very strict with her daughter as a child and teenager. Her daughter’s music, clothes, school and friends were controlled but her daughter rebelled anyway. My friends heart was to do right, she wanted desperately to protect her daughter, but instead she unintentionally fostered an environment where her child sought freedom over protection.

It is in these moments that we need to be aware of our own need for Grace. There is no perfect parent besides our Heavenly Father. He does not wish us to strive for perfect parenting. If our goal is to be the perfect parent then we completely loose sight of the need for intimate relationship with our child. We don’t want to communicate to them that they are not valuable unless they are perfect. So we as well need to remember that even when WE fail, we are valuable and needed in our children’s lives.

One-way we can sometimes succumb to the idea of a “perfect parent” is to focus too much attention to what “the other guy is doing.” Comparison steals joy and lies to us about the reality of the situation. If you find yourself comparing your child to other children or comparing yourself to other parents, have the courage to voice that to someone, and ask the Lord to remind you of the truth. There is no one who can parent your child better than you. God has given you this job and no one else. You are fully capable with His help to do this job. It will not be easy much of the time, but it will be rewarding.

In many of our workplaces we experience the joy of seeing the fruit of our labor. My husband and I have a side business painting houses. At the end of the day, the room is a different color, and I can see that my hard work has paid off. This is not true as much about parenting. The results of your tenacity to fight for your child’s emotional and spiritual well-being may not come for years. This is sacrificial work. I am telling you it will be worth it and that Jesus sees You. You are not alone in this. Parenting can sometimes feel lonely. The time you are taking to educate yourself and allow others to encourage you, will produce much fruit. The humility you express to your ministry leaders when you voice your insecurities will empower you in the future. This takes courage. This is Soul work. This is God work, and you are not alone. He is with you and you do not need to be perfect, you only need the one who was perfect in your place. Remember that Christ died for our mistakes and also redeemed us. There is no parenting mistake that cannot be redeemed by Him. God Bless. You are loved.

Texts/Tweets

TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.

Tweet One: You aren’t perfect, and God doesn’t expect you to be. #noperfectparenting #myth #allhavesinned

Tweet Two: The perfect can get in the way of the good. — Karl Pillemer, Ph.D. #noperfectparenting #myth #allhavesinned

Tweet Three: No one has perfect children and no one can raise perfect children. #noperfectparenting #myth #allhavesinned

Tweet Four: Fight against the “if onlys” in parenting. #noperfectparenting #myth #allhavesinned

Tweet Five: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end. — Lam 3:22–23 #noperfectparenting #myth #allhavesinned

Tweet Six: There is no recipe for perfect parenting. #noperfectparenting #myth #allhavesinned

Tweet Seven: Those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. – 1 Corinthians 4:2 #noperfectparenting #myth #allhavesinned

Tweet Eight: Don’t strive to be a perfect parent, but a faithful parent. #noperfectparenting #myth #allhavesinned

Tweet Nine: God is sovereign over your child, not you. #noperfectparenting #myth #allhavesinned

The Power of Empathy

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The Power of Empathy

My kids LOVE it when my husband and I tell them stories of when we were children. Their current favorite is a story about how my husband passed gas on a wooden pew in church. His mother was mortified. My kids love this, and not just because its about flagellants. That’s a given for sure. They love it because stories about our lives as children, give them insight into us. This is intimacy. Intimacy can also be defined as IN-TO- ME-SEE. I love my parents deeply and learned so much from them, but I often feel as if I never “Knew” them when I was a child. If you were to ask my 9-year-old self what my mother’s favorite color was, I would not have been able to tell you. Kids are naturally narcissistic. They are completely centered on themselves and the things that intentionally interact with them. It is hard for children of a certain age to look outside themselves. To focus on “OTHER.” When we share stories of ourselves with them, that interest them, we allow them to truly “See” outside of themselves and into us.

This is especially important when modeling Empathy. Empathy is the ability to see outside yourself and understand how a certain situation might affect someone else. Empathy is an important skill that teaches children to be compassionate and caring, and not children who “bully” other kids. Empathy teaches our children to love others as Christ loves us. Love is the model. How do we know how to love? We see it modeled in the way Christ has loved us.

This is especially true when disciplining our children. When our child fails we have an opportunity to share with them our own failures and how we identify with their feelings. This helps them not to feel alone in their failure or their anger, and discussing it with you, will combat their feelings of shame. When you are vulnerable and transparent with your children about your life, they feel connected to you. Close to you. They know that they can talk to you about anything because you have gone through the same things yourself.

Transparency and vulnerability may look different depending on the ages of your children. By all means, please don’t share deep personal things with children who are not emotionally old enough to process that information, but there are things about you that your children would benefit greatly knowing. Start with experiences you had when you were their age that they may not know about, tell them about thoughts and feelings you had at their age. Tell them about what made you proud of yourself; what you liked about yourself, what made you sad, fearful, angry or scared. Sharing these things with them lets them know they are not alone. Those feelings are normal. Talking to your kids at any age about your feelings, and identifying with their feelings even when they have made a poor choice in regards to their actions, promotes an Empathy that will combat feelings of shame and encourage connection. Jesus did this for us in the flesh when he was tempted with every temptation known to man. He wanted us to know that he understood us fully, and how human we are, and how easy it is to struggle with sin. He overcame our sin and shame and made a way to connect with us. He is the perfect model of empathy and He has empowered us as his children with Empathy, to defeat shame in our lives, and the lives of our children.

Texts/Tweets

TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.

Tweet One: Model loving behavior to your kids; it speaks loudly. #empathy #lovemercywalkhumbly

Tweet Two: Strive to be a family that helps those who are less fortunate. #empathy #lovemercywalkhumbly

Tweet Three: Empathy is a beautiful gift to pass on to your children. #empathy #lovemercywalkhumbly

Tweet Four: Conversations to what it’s like to be in another person’s shoes are powerful. #empathy #lovemercywalkhumbly

Tweet Five: Be transparent and vulnerable with your kids. They notice. #empathy #lovemercywalkhumbly

Tweet Six: And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8 NIV). #empathy

Tweet Seven: Jesus modeled compassion; so should we as parents. #empathy #lovemercywalkhumbly

Tweet Eight: “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). #empathy #lovemercywalkhumbly

Tweet Nine: Children can learn empathy. #empathy #lovemercywalkhumbly

Tweet Ten: “Empathy is about finding echoes of another person in yourself.” — Mohsin Hamid