Category Archives: Kids Parenting Class

Conflict

Parenting from a United Front

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Subject Line: Parenting from a United Front, Part One

Hello Parents!

Between us as parents, it can become stressful as we work together to present a united front on parenting issues that come up.

That is actually what this month’s Online Parenting Class is all about, “Parenting from a United Front”.

As you watch this short video, hopefully it helps you shape a plan and prayer for parenting together over these months of extra time together as a family. Whether it be in those downtime moments of boredom, long vacation rides in the car, or the normal sibling arguing, use these helpful hints to come together to parent.

Remember, you are not doing this parenting-thing alone. You have each other. You have me, available as always. Most importantly, you have God. Even in the tensest moments, take a step back and ask Him for help.

As the end of the video says, “Parenting is an adventure”.

Praying for you, your spouse, and your kids!

https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/257631271/199de01d1f

In Him,
Children’s Pastor

Email 2

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Subject Line: Parenting from a United Front, Part 2

Hello, Hello Moms, Dads and Amazing Adults in the Lives of Kids:

We are back around with another great Online Parenting Class, to inspire and inform you! It is a quick couple minutes of your month to give you the tools you need to continue to do what God has blessed you to be able to do, raise Godly kids!

This month is another great video, that I am sure you will love. It is about “Parenting from a United Front”.

We all have those moments when we feel like Satan is trying to “divide and conquer” us as parents. An issue arises, and we find ourselves feeling at odds with each other as parents. Suddenly, our unity is being challenged by an issue, big or small, and we are not sure what to do!

There are FOUR great things the video suggests as solid advice. I especially love the idea of making it an opportunity to get a babysitter and have some dinner privately to talk intentionally.

I also completely agree with the idea of making sure to support each other publicly while waiting until later to talk privately. It’s such a common-sense suggestion, but one we often struggle with in the moment.

The final suggestion is one that I have never thought about in the way they suggested. Once again, being intentional in parenting by making a yearly plan that matches up with each child’s age/stage of life. This is one that I would love to help you with as part of our ministry to you as parents. We have some great resources about each stage of your children’s lives, that we would love to share with you, if you are interested.

I hope you enjoyed these suggestions. Please keep me informed on how I can continue to support you and pray for you throughout this month!

Grace and Peace,
Children’s Pastor

Video Script

Parenting from a United Front

Have you ever found yourself fighting with your spouse about parenting more than actually parenting? I have, and I bet you have to. There are just times when mom and dad have a different view on how parenting moments should go down.

In this online parenting class we are going to process how we can parent from a united front. How do we work toward common goals as parents and stay on the same page as we invest in our kids?

Learning to parent from a united front is critical right now because your kids are not teens. Your children are young, and their freedom is limited. This is key because right now you get to practice when you have lots of control. Your level of control in 3rd grade is massively bigger than in 8th grade. The issues you are facing are smaller than the issues your child will face in the future. This is the time for you and your spouse to get on the same page about what matters the most and unite around those issues.

The first step to parenting from a united front is to expose the cracks and talk about those differences with each other! The more you ignore the differences you have as parents today only fuels the problems of tomorrow. There will never be unity when there is hidden animosity lurking around the corner. It’s normal to have these differences, but in order to have a united parenting strategy, these differences have to be exposed. Get a babysitter, head to a great restaurant, and start unpacking the issues.

Once we know where tension can arise there are some rules we can all embrace to keep our parenting effort united…

1. Support Publicly / Question in Private

This is really simple. When your spouse makes a parenting choice just be supportive even if you have questions about what happened. Leaning on the child’s perspective will only give you a partial picture. Get the full story in private and don’t undermine you spouse.

2. Never Complain about Your Spouse to Your Kids

This should be a no brainer but sadly we have all fallen into this trap when tired. Don’t complain about your spouse to your kids. Your kids don’t need to hear that and you are probably just tired. Kids internalize that kind of conflict and worry about it.

3. Share Discipline

There should be no good cop / bad cop in your house. Step up and share the discipline in the home. Don’t allow one parent to become the one that always handles problems.

4. Develop Yearly Game Plans Together

You children change year to year and it’s important to adjust the parenting strategy as they grow. Set aside time to process the plan together each year. Again, just another reason to go on a date and plan some!

Parenting is an adventure! Get on the same page and go make a difference in the life of your child.

Texts/Tweets

TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.

Tweet One: The first step to parenting from a united front is to expose the cracks and talk about those differences with each other! #parenting #unitedparenting #familymin #momlife #dadlife #summertime

Tweet Two: Ignoring the differences you have as parents today only fuels the problems of tomorrow. #unitedsummer #parenting #familylife #parent #mom #dad #parentlife #mommy

Tweet Three: Support your spouse publicly and question them privately when it comes to parenting. #supportmom #supportdad #teamparenting #dadandmom #familylife #parents #parenting

Tweet Four: Never complain about your spouse to your kids. They need to see you united and supporting each other. #supportyourspouse #oneteam #teammom #teamdad #godlyparenting #unitedparenting

Tweet Five: There is no good cop or bad cop in parenting; there is just a good mom and good dad loving their kids. #nogoodcop #nobadcop #parenting #copout #family #loveandlaw #momlife #dadlife

Tweet Six: Your children change year to year, and it’s important to adjust the parenting strategy and rules as they grow. #parentplan #parentstrategy #mom #dad #family #parents #parenting

Relationship

Dads and Daughters

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Subject Line: Dads and Daughters, Part One

Hello Parents, and Happy Father’s Day month.

I just wanted to say, right off the top, thank you dads! Those of you who are receiving this and are a dad to one of our wonderful kids, thank you. Whether you are a grandfather, stepfather, or even an uncle, you are a ‘dad’ in God’s eyes. The spiritual role that you play is so important to the boys and girls of our church.In honor of you, this month’s Online Parenting Class is for you.

Last month’s virtual encouragement was for Mothers, specifically to their relationship with their son. This month, we are flipping the script and talking about dads connecting to the heart of their daughter!

This is such a huge thing in our current culture and the climate of our society. The conversation in the news and media is all around the idea of women being valued and not demeaned. Whether you are watching this video as a dad or a mom, these quick hints are HUGE for the young girls of our group. Please take the time to watch and think through these and other ways to connect to your daughter’s heart.

We want our young girls that are growing into women to know and understand a healthy relationship with the men in their life. It starts through their relationship with their dad or a Godly man in their life.

Moms: We know that not every girl in our group has a dad in her life, so let us know how we can come alongside them (and you as parents). We are always seeking ways to build into them Godly self-image and set them up to be the women God has set them up to be! Let us know how we can encourage your daughter and your family!

https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/257632682/af60c47729

In Him,
Children’s Pastor

Email 2

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Subject Line: Dads and Daughters, Part 2

Greetings, Moms and Dads!

Mother’s Day was last month, and now this month is Father’s Day! Let’s celebrate the wonderful men in our lives! I hope you are planning on doing something special for the dads in your life, and dads, I hope your family is planning somethings great for you! Fingers crossed for a great new tie!!?

Last month, we shared a great monthly Online Parenting Class with you about Moms connecting to their sons. This month, since it is Father’s Day month, we are sharing some quick helpful words about dads connecting with their daughters!

There is such great, simple, but powerful wisdom in the steps that were shared. Let me add a little bit extra to keep the challenge going. Think through each suggestion using these questions:

Take them out on simple and fun dates and adventures.
o Where would your daughter want to go on a “date” if she could choose?
o Where was your first date? Would you be willing to share that with your daughter?
Have intentional conversations every day. (It’s ok to leverage tech!)
o When was the last time you sat down with your daughter, just the two of you, and had an intentional heart to heart talk?
Let them know you love them and they are beautiful as much as possible!
o When was the last time your intentionally told your daughter you loved her and she was beautiful?
Listen to them when they are hurting.
o What is hurting your daughter’s heart right now?
o When was the last time she cried about something that was not a physical hurt?

Dads (and moms), these years are so important for your young daughter. Please take and make the time to spend with them, getting to know their heart.

Serving Our Heavenly Father-

Children’s Pastor

Video Script

Dads and Daughters

There is a special bond between a daughter and their dad. It’s a connection that happens over time, and it’s so magical. Daughters see in their dad a picture of what a man should be. I know that puts a ton of pressure on us as dads, but, trust me, daughters don’t need perfection. Daughters need dads that will be authentically present in their lives.

This month in our online parenting class we want to talk to dads and process together how dads can connect with the heart of their daughters. If you are a mom and you usually watch these for your family this is a month you want to mention to dad!

If you are a dad and you are watching your little girl move into older elementary school you are probably already overwhelmed with how they are changing. If you are a dad of a middle or high schooler you wonder if they need or want you around at all. To both sets of dads I am here to boldly declare this truth…

Your daughters need you more now than ever.

I know they don’t tell you they need you and most of the time they act like they don’t want you around, but your daughters need your stable presence in their life right now. I know this makes you a little uncomfortable, but getting out of your comfort zone and fighting for the hart of your daughter now will pave the way for them to make better choices down the road because you have bravely let them know you believe in them, love them, and will protect them.

How do you fight for your daughters heart? Here are a few simple steps any dad can make to build that bridge to their heart…

Take them out on simple and fun dates and adventures.

What is their favorite restaurant? Take them there to eat dinner or breakfast before school. Who is their favorite band? Buy tickets to the next show and take her. What does she love to do? Make plans even if it’s taking her to the mall for a quick trip, and you hate shopping. Give your daughter the gift of your time and the gift of adventure.

Have intentional conversations everyday. (It’s ok to leverage tech!)

I know we dads don’t enjoy talking as much as mom, but our daughters need us to engage them. Check in on them. Shoot that daily text. Take time after work to see how their day went. Ask how you can be praying for them. Even if it’s short, make time to talk everyday.

Let them know you love them and they are beautiful as much as possible!

This is critical. They need to hear you say you love them everyday. They need you to build their confidence by letting them know how beautiful they are. They don’t need to hear those things more from a dumb boy at school than they do from you. Your words of care and love matter!

Listen to them when they are hurting.

Don’t allow mom to be the only one talking your daughter through trouble and pain. Make sure your daughter can have time to process with you. I know you don’t have answers but you can listen. That’s all they want anyway!

These are 4 things any dad can do. Your daughter needs you to fight for her heart! Praying for you as you invest in your daughters.

Texts/Tweets

TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.

Tweet One: Daughters see in their dad a picture of what a man should be. #dad #dadlife #daughter #daddydaughter #fatherhood #picturethis #family #parenting

Tweet Two: Getting out of your comfort zone and fighting for the heart of your daughter now will pave the way for them to make better choices down the road. #dad #daughter #pavetheway #girltowoman #comfortzone #parenting #fatherhood

Tweet Three: You daughter needs her daddy to take her on her first date, to set the expectations high for those “other” guys in her future. #daddate #daddy #dating #fatherhood #dad #daughter #parenting

Tweet Four: Dads and daughter need to have intentional conversations ever day to stay connected to each other. #talk #connect #dad #daughter #parenting #convos #intentionalparenting

Tweet Five: Even if it’s short, make time to talk every day to let your daughter know you love them and they are beautiful in your eyes. #dad #daughter #beauty #talk #saythewords #connected #hearttalk

Tweet Six: Dads-connecting to the heart of your daughter happens through listening to them in the good times and in the bad. #dad #father #daddyhood #fatherhood #listen #daughterheart

Relationship

Moms and Sons

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Subject Line: Moms and Sons, Part One

Greetings Parents:

If you are receiving this and you are a mom, this is especially for you. Dads, you
are welcome to listen in too because next month I will be writing to you. This
month’s Online Parenting Class is a special one because it is all about mother-son
relationships. I think all of you moms are really going to enjoy it!

What powerful encouragement and words of wisdom! A son’s relationship and
connection with his mom is a powerful thing. It truly shapes the kind of man he
will grow up to be, but it also will influence the kind of father and husband he will
choose to be as well.

I love the challenge to “stop trying to protect your boys and instead challenge
them toward adventure and self-discovery.” This is a huge truth for us as parents.
We want to protect our children and keep them from making mistakes. We know,
however, in the moments of falling and getting hurt we learn. This is especially
true for boys. Each scrape, bruise, and scar is a life lesson learned.

Moms look for those teachable moments to connect to the heart of your young man
in your home. As he excitedly tells you his story of heroics and adventure,
showing off that cut or scrape, don’t react, but rather interact.

I want to let you know that I am praying for moms in specific and real ways
this month when it comes to relationships with your sons! I am praying for God to
give you words to say, time to spend, and patience to listen!

https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/257631869/a84f593d80

In Him,
Children’s Pastor

Email 2

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Subject Line: Moms and Sons, Part 2

Hello, Moms!

How is your relationship with your son? Is it going well, or are you finding it
harder to connect to their heart as they are going older?

This month’s Online Parenting Class is for you! It is about 5 steps to
connecting/reconnecting to your son’s heart!

Investing intentional time and doing intentional things with your son is a
powerful thing. Find the things they enjoy, and do life with them in those
things!
Find ways to show your support for your son, and speak words of
confidence in the good and the bad moments.
The best way to show your support and be intentional with your time is
simple…just show up. Presence is powerful in your relationship with your son!
Moms, you have a voice in your son’s life. Make sure you use it to encourage and not nag. Your voice and care will capture the heart of your son and communicate you care. This will give your son power, confidence, and life.
The key to all of these things in your ears. You ask your son to listen to you,
but you also must learn to listen back. It is the only way you will hear his heart.

Let me know how I can help you process and live out each of these steps this month. My door, phone, and email is always open to you as a parent.

Children’s Pastor

Video Script

Moms and Sons

Moms and their sons have a unique bond. I’m so excited that this month we are going to block out time just to talk to moms of boys and process how to connect with their hearts for the long haul. The time and energy you invest in your son is a powerful force that shapes the future of their life.

Let me be clear about one thing. I’m not a mom, but I’m a son and my mom worked hard to build a meaningful relationship with all of my bothers. Her influence in our lives is still clear today in our lives.

No pressure mom. Your influence matters no matter what but there is one way to change the direction of your parenting of your son that will exponentially increase your influence. That one shift to make is simple but incredibly difficult for moms. Process this idea mom…

Stop trying to protect your boy, and, instead, challenge them toward adventure and self-discovery.

Most moms spend their whole parenting life trying to protect their boys from their wild selves. Moms make sure their boys have manners, are healthy, and stay safe. The problem is those things really don’t matter to any boy in elementary school or as a teenager. Boys are looking to figure out who they are and what adventure they can go on. They need someone to breath belief into their insecure souls.

You can be that voice. If you want to capture the heart of your son believe in them and empower them to do great things.

Invest intentional Time to Do Things with Them.

What is your son into? Find out and make some time for just you and him to spend time together around that passion. Music lover? Hit a concert. Sports fan? Go to a game. Actor? Then make sure and take them to the theatre. The common denominator is you encouraging them to chase their dreams. They need that encouragement.

Support them and Cheer Them On.

Dad naturally spent tons of time challenging their sons. As Dads, we have to embrace that role. Mom, that opens a door for you to step in and be a needed voice of encouragement for them. Kids need both. They need challenge and they need encouragement. When moms embrace that role they breath confidence in them.

Boys Need you to Keep Showing Up.
As kids grow older it’s easy for Moms to withdraw. Your son does not need you to pull away from them. Your son needs you to keep showing up for them in creative ways that allow them to have their space but also know you care deeply. Keep showing up at their events. Keep writing them notes on hectic weeks. Keep texting them scripture leading them toward Jesus. Don’t allow them growing older to keep you from showing up in their life.

Speak Truth but Never Nag.

Your son needs you to be honest with them. You have things you see in your son that need to be challenged and they need you to speak truth. What they don’t need is nagging. Tell them once and then walk away. Don’t gripe and nag on them until you get results because in the process you lose their heart. Speak truth in love and be clear about what you expect.

Listen to Them and Help them Learn to Process their Emotions.

Here is where you have such an advantage as a mom! Your son needs you to help them learn to express and understand their emotions. When you slow down and give your son a listening ear consistently you slowly teach them to confront their emotions and process them out loud. Your son will have such an advantage in life if they know they have a person in their corner they can trust to listen and they learn from you to get those emotions out.

Mom, all 4 of these steps are things any mom can do. Thanks for investing in your sons intentionally this month.

Texts/Tweets

TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.

Tweet One: Stop trying to protect your boy, and, instead, challenge them toward adventure and self-discovery. #boymom #parenting #momlife

Tweet Two: Boys are looking to figure out who they are & what adventure they can go on. They need someone to breathe belief into their insecure souls.

Tweet Three: Moms, invest intentional time with your boys now, and you will reap the returns of your interest in the future. #mominvestment #motherhood

Tweet Four: Mom, breathe confidence into your sons so they can breathe in their Godly calling for manhood. #mom #motherhood #momlife #Godscalling #sons

Tweet Five: Moms that show up in their son’s life now will have sons that continue to show back up in their lives later. #momlife #showup #mothers

Tweet Six: Trade nagging for speaking truth in love to your children. #nomorenags #mom #dad #parenting #parentlife #speaktruth #love

Leadership

The Potential of Saying No

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Subject Line: The Potential of Saying No, Part One

Greeting Parents:

I don’t know about you, but I love giving my kids special gifts and being able to say “yes” to fun things. Part of what I look forward to as a parent is being able to say “yes” to all the things I didn’t get to have or do when I was growing up.

The reality is, now that I am a parent, I have learned one of the most powerful words in the parent vocabulary- “No!”. It is what this month’s online parenting class is about.

While this might be a hard one for us to watch and apply, it is important to understand the when and why of the parental “no”. Please take the time to watch and consider the four places you might need to start saying the word “no” more with your children and around your home.

Consider that just like our heavenly father, who does say “no” or “wait” to our requests, sometimes we also must learn to say “no.” It is all in order for us to say “yes” to better things for our children.

I will be in prayer for you this month as you leverage the power of “no’s” in your home and family life. As always, I am here to back you up as a parent in your decisions and even in your “no’s”. Let me know how I can help and pray for you!

https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/257625547/c24820b1c4

In Him,
Children’s Pastor

Email 2

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Subject Line: The Potential of Saying No, Part 2

“I said, ‘No!’”… how often have you said that in the last week or maybe two? Do you say “no” to your children? Some people may tell you that you shouldn’t ever tell your kids “no”. This month’s Online Parenting Class actually teaches you four potential places and times that the word “no” might be a good thing around your home.

Parents have almost become addicted to always saying “yes”. The constant habit of saying “yes” in the end has left many parents and families in a state of frustration. Even more, as children get use to always being told “yes” to everything, when the time comes in life to hear a “no,” they will not know how to handle it.

Here are four challenging questions to go along with the four places you might need to start saying “no” to more:

1. What is one thing on your personal or family calendar in the next month that will rob your family of time together?

2. What is one activity or habit around your home that honestly holds no real spiritual or emotional value for your family?

3. What is something that has the potential of being unhealthy for your child/children- spiritually, mentally, emotionally or physically- that you might need to consider saying “no” to?

4. Are your children spoiled? Be real with yourself and each other; step back and look at the things your child/children have been asking for or want. Do they really need that thing? Have you ever talked as a family about the difference between a “need” and a “want”?

As always, my heart is to help you improve your home life and empower you as parents to live as Godly parents. Even God says “no” to us, His children, so let me know how I can help you with this idea.

Sincerely,
Children’s Pastor

Video Script

The Potential of Saying No

There is nothing quite as fun as being able to get our kids what they want on their birthday or at Christmas. They make a list, we think about it, then, hopefully, we get to surprise them with the gift. Giving our kids good things is rewarding.

In this online parenting class we are going to talk about giving our kids something they don’t get enough from many of us. This month we are going to talk about the potential of saying no more often at home.

No does not seem like a fun thing to give to our kids. No seems like the opposite of fun and many times its not that fun, but it’s 100% good. We live in a say yes culture. We say yes to opportunity, so we get our children involved in tons of activities. We say yes to fun toys and gadgets so our kids can be entertained. We say yes to church activities, so we plug them into all kinds of programs. We say yes to friends and what I call parent pressure, so we get our kids into all kind of cultural activities so they don’t miss out. We say yes all the time and most families are spiraling out of control trying to keep up.

Our addiction to saying yes has left many of our families and our marriages in a terrible state of frustration. This month we want you to try out a new word than can bring focus and health to your home and than word is no.

No is a difficult word to say in the moment. When we say it we are worried about the consequences. Will we miss out? Will we hurt someone’s feelings? Will our kids understand? These are all just fears of the unknown and probably are unrealistic. Most of the time saying no will only allow you as a parent to help your family focus on important things. Saying no has the potential to allow you to control your family calendar and actually allow your home to function as a healthy pace. That is a powerful tool.

Saying no can be hard so here are four places to start saying no more…

Say no to things that keep your family from sharing family meals together.

Look at your calendar and see what is pulling your family away from eating together and hanging out. I bet you have said yes to too many good things that you are missing the best things at home. Don’t trade that time away. Leverage no and pull back so you can have time at home together.

Say no to things that you really don’t see value in.

There are some invites that need to be turned down because you are only saying yes out of obligation. You have limited amounts of time to plug your kids into meaningful experiences. Don’t waste that important time with things that have little value.

Say no to things that are not healthy for your child.

There are just things that are not good for our kids. Unlimited access to the internet is bad. Unlimited exposure to TV is not healthy. Only eating gummy bears will lead to a terrible dental bill. Allowing your child to spend the night with a family you don’t trust can lead to bad situations. Leverage no when you don’t sense something is good rather than live with regret of a careless yes.

Finally…
Say no some things that your kids are asking for.
Sometimes we say yes to our kids so much we simply spoil them. Don’t give in the pressure to say yes to everything your child wants. They will be fine without the latest gadget or toy. You may get it down the road, but teach them they are not going to get everything they want. Kids need to hear no from us in order to appreciate when we say yes.

Thanks for checking this online class out. Go out and leverage your no today.

Texts/Tweets

TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.

Tweet One: Our addiction to saying yes has left many families in a terrible state of frustration. #parenting #strongparent #sayno #stoptheyes

Tweet Two: The most powerful word a parent can use is the word “no”. It has the power of health, happiness, and hope for a child’s future. #sayno

Tweet Three: Parents needs to learn to say no to things that take them away from family meals. #mealtime #familymeals #sayno #parenting

Tweet Four: Parents that say no to things that hold no value will, in the end, value their marriage, home and kids more. #parenting #saynotosayyes

Tweet Five: Leverage no when you don’t sense something is good rather than living with the regret of a careless yes. #parent #family #sayno

Respect

Disrespectful Speech and Attitudes

Email 1

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Subject Line: Disrespectful Speech and Attitudes, Part One

Greeting Parents:

I trust your month is going well and things are going great with your family. I am excited to be sending out another great parenting video for this month. I hope these videos have been helpful and an encouragement. This month’s video is about the Disrespectful Speech and Attitudes.

Just like the crazy weather outside, our children and families go through seasons as well. As our children grow and mature, there are seasons where our children will struggle with choosing the right words and attitudes.

Our desire as parents is for them to use their manners and have a great attitude in all situations, but we know there are those moments. Sometimes the moments seem like they come out of nowhere, when our child/children suddenly respond with words or actions that are not acceptable.

What are we do in those moments? How do we respond? How should we respond?

This month’s video gives us three great, simple hints to take on these moments with our children and reflect also on our own words and attitudes. I hope you find this video as helpful as I did.

As always my prayers are with you and your home.

https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/257630661/1eb98c8932

In Him,
Children’s Pastor

Email 2

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Subject Line: Disrespectful Speech and Attitudes, Part 2

“Watch your attitude!” “I better not hear that come out of your mouth again!” Are those things you feel like you say too often around your home? Do you feel like you are the point of no return with your children’s speech and attitude? You are going to love this month’s parenting video we are sharing with you!

This month’s video is jam-packed with just what you need, with three quick challenging steps to get you and your child unstuck from this cycle and season of attitude and disrespect.

You do not want to miss out this moment of encouragement for your day…week…month!!

The three keys you will be learning are:

Looking in the Mirror. Your children reflect you for better or worse, make sure you are giving them something worth mirroring

Limit Bad Influence. Be care who and what is influencing your child/children’s attitudes and levels of respect. It may not be who or what you think?

Challenge the Bad and Reward the Good. What is reward it repeated. What is being rewarded in your home.

As you continue to work through each season in your child’s life, know that I am available to talk and pray with you. I would also be willing and available to talk through each of the points of this video with you, if you would like to set up a time soon.

Respectfully,
Children’s Pastor

Video Script

Disrespectful Speech and Attitudes

Please and Thank You. The moment I put those 2 words together we think about manners and the way we behave around other people. When we drop our kids off to spend the night at a friends house most of us look them in the eye and remind them of one final bit of instruction. “Make sure and say please and thank you!”

The way our kids talk and behave matters to us as parents. This month in our online parenting class we want to process what we should do when our kids are off the rails with disrespectful talk and attitudes. Don’t worry…there is hope.

Even the best kids go through seasons where they push the boundaries of their attitudes and the words they use to show defiance. Words and attitudes are just an outward expression of what is going on inside our kids. Let’s just go ahead and admit that they are not always little angels. Kids want their way. As your kids get older and they don’t get their way they will often lash out with words and attitudes that catch us off guard. The question is, how we will respond, and how can we guide them in a different direction?

How we respond is critical! When our kids act out verbally or with disrespectful attitudes, many times we lash back out at them with words and with our own attitudes. This teaches them that this is the normal way to respond when we don’t het our way. Raising your parental volume over your child’s behavior is not going to help them actually change their response to not getting their way. The best response to disrespectful speech is actually calm, confident, respectful confrontation and clear direction. When you respond with confidence and clarity you are affirming your love for them but also exposing a different way to communicate. It’s easy to forget that our kids are learning how to deal with their emotions from us.

You are not always going to get this right, but you can, over time, learn to respond to emotional unhealth with emotional health. When your child lashes out they are just living in the moment. You can parent above the moment!

This month here are three steps to take if your child is stuck in a season of disrespect…

Look in the Mirror

Think back about how you are responding to people on the phone when you are around your child. How are you communicating with your spouse? How are you dealing with stress? Sometimes our kids are learning bad habits from us. Work hard to remember that you are being watched and listened to.

Limit Bad Influences

Often our children are learning bad relational habits from friends or the media they are consuming. There could be a friend that is really pulling your child in a bad direction with words and attitude. Limit that friend’s access and make sure to point out why they should not follow after those patterns. The influence could be coming from a character on TV or the Internet. Look into what they are consuming. Guard those influences.

Challenge the Bad & Reward the Good

Be quick to challenge disrespectful speech or attitudes but also be quick to reward the right words and attitudes. What is rewarded is repeated!

The way kids talk and their attitudes can be adjusted. You can do this! We are praying for you as you invest in your child this month.

Texts/Tweets

TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.

Tweet One: Words and attitudes are just an outward expression of what is going on inside our kids. #inwardoutward #luke635 #parenting #insideout

Tweet Two: Raising your parental volume over your child’s behavior is not going to help. #volumecontrol #parenting #notlouder #godlyparenting

Tweet Three: Best response to disrespectful speech is actually calm, confident, respectful confrontation and clear direction. #respondwell

Tweet Four: Children are a mirror of their parent’s attitudes and behavior. How is the reflection? #reflect #mirrormirror #parenting #lookingback

Tweet Five: Be quick to challenge disrespectful speech/attitudes but also be quick to reward the right words & attitudes. What is rewarded is repeated!

Tweet Six: Parent above the moment. #respondwell #parenting

Tweet Seven: Who and what is influencing your child? Is it good or bad? #guardthoseinfluences #parenting

Tweet Eight: Our kids are watching to see how we respond to situations. They learn what they see. #mirrors #parenting #respondwell

Pressure

No Perfect Parent

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Subject Line: No Perfect Parent, Part One

We meet again!

This month’s video, “No Perfect Parent,” discusses how there is no parent who is perfect—and that perfection is not the goal in parenting. According to Karl Pillemer, Ph.D., in parenting, sometimes “the perfect can get in the way of the good.”

Pillemer writes, “Most parents hold themselves up to some kind of perfect standard when they evaluate their parenting. ‘If only,’ they say, ‘I had encouraged Johnny more with music, he would have used his talents.’ ‘If only I had provided more opportunities for Mary to play with other children, she wouldn’t be so shy.’”

Of course many of the “if onlys” work two ways: “If only I had pushed Jane harder with her studies, she would have done better in school” can ring just as true as “If only I hadn’t pushed Jane so hard, she would have done better in school.”

However, no one has perfect children, and no one can raise perfect children. This goes against one of the basics of Scripture: “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). This includes both you and your child—we all fall short of God’s perfection.

You aren’t a perfect parent, and God doesn’t expect you to be. Only He is perfect.

However, He does expect us to acknowledge areas where we have sinned—perhaps mistakes you have made since becoming a parent—and seek His forgiveness. But then, embrace His grace. The Bible says, “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness” (Lamentations 3:22–23). Tomorrow is a new day, and you can step out in confidence and faith that God will be right with you as you seek to become a better, good, and more godly parent—but not a perfect parent.

https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/224799349/4a6ceb9654

Here on the journey with you,
Children’s Pastor

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Subject Line: No Perfect Parent, Part 2

Hello again!

What is your definition of a perfect parent? A parent who knows exactly the right way to raise a confident, responsible child who excels in school, is an amazing friend, loves Jesus, is kind and compassionate, and never argues? If this kind of parent exists, I’d sure like to meet him or her.

The reality is, there is no perfect parent. The video this month discussed how there is No Perfect Parent—only our perfect heavenly Father. And yet, God in His sovereignty and perfection has ordained you to be the mom or dad to your child. He has entrusted you with this task, and it was not by accident. The Bible says, “Those who have been given a trust must prove faithful,” (1 Corinthians 4:2). God only asks us to be faithful in parenting, not perfect.

The following are some points of encouragement as you strive to parent your child:

Mistakes are okay and expected. As a parent, recognize that it is normal to feel worried, confused, angry, guilty, overwhelmed, and inadequate because of your child’s behavior or choices. That is part of being a parent. Recall your childhood. Perhaps you made some poor choices or were difficult to parent, too. Keep in mind, your parents were not perfect either . . . And here you are!

Don’t live for your children. Living solely for your children puts you in a sticky situation and is setting you up for future disappointment or frustration. No one can receive all their fulfillment from any human being, much less a child. Find other activities that bring joy and fulfillment outside of your role as mom or dad.

Professional help is wise when necessary. Some kids are simply more difficult to raise than others, and it has nothing to do with the parent. If problems become too intense, rather than trying to fix everything yourself, seek outside help.

Depend on the Lord to be your child’s ultimate parent. Isaiah 64:8 says, “But now, O LORD, You are our Father, We are the clay, and You our potter; And all of us are the work of Your hand” (ESV). God created your child exactly the way He intended. When you feel you are at a loss for how to parent, talk to God about it and remember: He is not unaware of your struggles, and He is your child’s perfect parent.

Let’s re-define what perfect parenting means, and instead call it “faithful parenting.” Follow God’s instruction in His Word, pray, and then release your child to Him. I know this is probably one of the most difficult things to do, but it will truly free you of some of the weight of trying to do everything right.

I have many resources available. Don’t hesitate to email me if you have more questions or need help. I’m here as a support!

Press on,
Children’s Pastor

Video Script

No Perfect Parent

I don’t have to tell you that Parenting is a humbling experience. Humbling. Sometimes I am overwhelmed at the amount of help out there and I feel like I’m going to drown in the information. I can’t possibly do it all. Remember it all. Teach it all. It’s when I experience these feelings that I can be the most honest and admit that I am not perfect, and my children will not be perfect either. This is not a hopeless statement. It is not one where I give up, but an empowering truth that reminds me, Perfection is not my goal.

As parents we need to give ourselves permission to fail. Even after we watch all the parenting videos and we read all the books and we go to all the therapy. At the end of the day, we are human. We are sinful. We will fail. Sometimes it will be out of rebellion. We know what we should do but we just don’t want to do it. Sometimes it will be unintentional. We thought we knew what was the right thing to do, and it turned out to bring more damage than good.

I have a friend who was very strict with her daughter as a child and teenager. Her daughter’s music, clothes, school and friends were controlled but her daughter rebelled anyway. My friends heart was to do right, she wanted desperately to protect her daughter, but instead she unintentionally fostered an environment where her child sought freedom over protection.

It is in these moments that we need to be aware of our own need for Grace. There is no perfect parent besides our Heavenly Father. He does not wish us to strive for perfect parenting. If our goal is to be the perfect parent then we completely loose sight of the need for intimate relationship with our child. We don’t want to communicate to them that they are not valuable unless they are perfect. So we as well need to remember that even when WE fail, we are valuable and needed in our children’s lives.

One-way we can sometimes succumb to the idea of a “perfect parent” is to focus too much attention to what “the other guy is doing.” Comparison steals joy and lies to us about the reality of the situation. If you find yourself comparing your child to other children or comparing yourself to other parents, have the courage to voice that to someone, and ask the Lord to remind you of the truth. There is no one who can parent your child better than you. God has given you this job and no one else. You are fully capable with His help to do this job. It will not be easy much of the time, but it will be rewarding.

In many of our workplaces we experience the joy of seeing the fruit of our labor. My husband and I have a side business painting houses. At the end of the day, the room is a different color, and I can see that my hard work has paid off. This is not true as much about parenting. The results of your tenacity to fight for your child’s emotional and spiritual well-being may not come for years. This is sacrificial work. I am telling you it will be worth it and that Jesus sees You. You are not alone in this. Parenting can sometimes feel lonely. The time you are taking to educate yourself and allow others to encourage you, will produce much fruit. The humility you express to your ministry leaders when you voice your insecurities will empower you in the future. This takes courage. This is Soul work. This is God work, and you are not alone. He is with you and you do not need to be perfect, you only need the one who was perfect in your place. Remember that Christ died for our mistakes and also redeemed us. There is no parenting mistake that cannot be redeemed by Him. God Bless. You are loved.

Texts/Tweets

TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.

Tweet One: You aren’t perfect, and God doesn’t expect you to be. #noperfectparenting #myth #allhavesinned

Tweet Two: The perfect can get in the way of the good. — Karl Pillemer, Ph.D. #noperfectparenting #myth #allhavesinned

Tweet Three: No one has perfect children and no one can raise perfect children. #noperfectparenting #myth #allhavesinned

Tweet Four: Fight against the “if onlys” in parenting. #noperfectparenting #myth #allhavesinned

Tweet Five: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end. — Lam 3:22–23 #noperfectparenting #myth #allhavesinned

Tweet Six: There is no recipe for perfect parenting. #noperfectparenting #myth #allhavesinned

Tweet Seven: Those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. – 1 Corinthians 4:2 #noperfectparenting #myth #allhavesinned

Tweet Eight: Don’t strive to be a perfect parent, but a faithful parent. #noperfectparenting #myth #allhavesinned

Tweet Nine: God is sovereign over your child, not you. #noperfectparenting #myth #allhavesinned

Empathy

The Power of Empathy

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Subject Line: The Power of Empathy, Part One

So glad you are here!

Our topic in this month’s Online Parenting Class is The Power of Empathy. Children are not naturally empathetic, but that doesn’t mean it is not something they can’t learn. Empathy is different than sympathy. Sympathy expresses concern for people while remaining at a distance. Empathy requires a person imagine themselves as the other person.

The word “empathy” isn’t used in the Bible, but there are plenty of verses that speak to empathetic concern for others. For example, the psalmist wrote that God empathized with the people He created: “As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust (Psalm 103:13–14).

Jesus was also empathetic—expressing deep compassion and concern for others. Consider just three verses that show His sensitivity to people:

When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them. — Matthew 9:36

When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick. — Matthew 14:14

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. —John 11:33, 35

When Jesus arrived at the tomb where His friend Lazarus had been buried, Scripture says “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). Clearly, Jesus experienced deep emotions toward people.

If Jesus felt such empathy for others, and if as parents we are striving to help our children become more and more like Him as they grow into young adults, then one of the best things we can do is teach them empathy. Our next email will give some practical ideas for how to do this.

I’m praying for you as you press on and stand firm in this dark world. I have many resources available if you need more information or counsel. We are on this crazy parenting journey together!

https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/224798779/32f2c18497

Parenting with you,
Children’s Pastor

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Subject Line: The Power of Empathy, Part 2

Hello again!

This month’s video provides some encouragement on the topic of The Power of Empathy.

Teaching your child empathy is a gift that you can pass on that will not only be a blessing to your child but to other relationships in their life when they are adults. There is a verse in the book of Micah that says, “And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God” (6:8 NIV). This is the essence of empathy.

Teaching children empathy is easier said than done—it’s difficult to get children to share toys, much less empathize with others! However, there are a few tactics you can use when parenting that will help foster empathy in your child.

1. Initiate conversations about what it would be like to be in another person’s circumstances. This could happen spontaneously—like when you see a homeless person on the side of the road, or it could be a directed conversation at the dinner table. Asking questions that get to the child’s heart are key: “What do you think that homeless man does when it snows?” or “If that woman has no money, how does she pay for food for her little boy?”

2. Cultivate a family lifestyle that involves helping those less fortunate. Calendar activities throughout the year that will expose kids to experiences that will help them empathize with people less fortunate. Serve food as a family at a food kitchen, or volunteer to weed an older neighbor’s back yard. Use the experience to help your child be more attune to what it’s like for people going through sad, difficult, or lonely times.

3. Model loving behavior. The best way to teach kids empathy is to model it. Kids notice everything, and though it might not seem like they are watching what you do, they are. Make sure your kids see you ministering to others in need and showing others the love of Jesus—whether it’s to the sick, the elderly, those in prison, or the homeless.

This month’s video offered some insight on what empathy is and why it is so important to be transparent and vulnerable to your kids—and how Jesus is the perfect model.

I’m proud of you for striving to parent in a way that is different than the world, and I know it’s not always easy. Press on. I’m honored to walk alongside you.

Children’s Pastor

Video Script

The Power of Empathy

My kids LOVE it when my husband and I tell them stories of when we were children. Their current favorite is a story about how my husband passed gas on a wooden pew in church. His mother was mortified. My kids love this, and not just because its about flagellants. That’s a given for sure. They love it because stories about our lives as children, give them insight into us. This is intimacy. Intimacy can also be defined as IN-TO- ME-SEE. I love my parents deeply and learned so much from them, but I often feel as if I never “Knew” them when I was a child. If you were to ask my 9-year-old self what my mother’s favorite color was, I would not have been able to tell you. Kids are naturally narcissistic. They are completely centered on themselves and the things that intentionally interact with them. It is hard for children of a certain age to look outside themselves. To focus on “OTHER.” When we share stories of ourselves with them, that interest them, we allow them to truly “See” outside of themselves and into us.

This is especially important when modeling Empathy. Empathy is the ability to see outside yourself and understand how a certain situation might affect someone else. Empathy is an important skill that teaches children to be compassionate and caring, and not children who “bully” other kids. Empathy teaches our children to love others as Christ loves us. Love is the model. How do we know how to love? We see it modeled in the way Christ has loved us.

This is especially true when disciplining our children. When our child fails we have an opportunity to share with them our own failures and how we identify with their feelings. This helps them not to feel alone in their failure or their anger, and discussing it with you, will combat their feelings of shame. When you are vulnerable and transparent with your children about your life, they feel connected to you. Close to you. They know that they can talk to you about anything because you have gone through the same things yourself.

Transparency and vulnerability may look different depending on the ages of your children. By all means, please don’t share deep personal things with children who are not emotionally old enough to process that information, but there are things about you that your children would benefit greatly knowing. Start with experiences you had when you were their age that they may not know about, tell them about thoughts and feelings you had at their age. Tell them about what made you proud of yourself; what you liked about yourself, what made you sad, fearful, angry or scared. Sharing these things with them lets them know they are not alone. Those feelings are normal. Talking to your kids at any age about your feelings, and identifying with their feelings even when they have made a poor choice in regards to their actions, promotes an Empathy that will combat feelings of shame and encourage connection. Jesus did this for us in the flesh when he was tempted with every temptation known to man. He wanted us to know that he understood us fully, and how human we are, and how easy it is to struggle with sin. He overcame our sin and shame and made a way to connect with us. He is the perfect model of empathy and He has empowered us as his children with Empathy, to defeat shame in our lives, and the lives of our children.

Texts/Tweets

TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.

Tweet One: Model loving behavior to your kids; it speaks loudly. #empathy #lovemercywalkhumbly

Tweet Two: Strive to be a family that helps those who are less fortunate. #empathy #lovemercywalkhumbly

Tweet Three: Empathy is a beautiful gift to pass on to your children. #empathy #lovemercywalkhumbly

Tweet Four: Conversations to what it’s like to be in another person’s shoes are powerful. #empathy #lovemercywalkhumbly

Tweet Five: Be transparent and vulnerable with your kids. They notice. #empathy #lovemercywalkhumbly

Tweet Six: And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8 NIV). #empathy

Tweet Seven: Jesus modeled compassion; so should we as parents. #empathy #lovemercywalkhumbly

Tweet Eight: “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). #empathy #lovemercywalkhumbly

Tweet Nine: Children can learn empathy. #empathy #lovemercywalkhumbly

Tweet Ten: “Empathy is about finding echoes of another person in yourself.” — Mohsin Hamid

Shame

Combating Shame

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Subject Line: Combating Shame, Part One

Hello!

As Christian parents, I’m sure one of your goals is to raise children who can stand firm in a world that is surrounded by darkness. But it’s tough! Let’s face it. The world is, quite simply, not nice. People are lost, and lost people are raising kids. These kids are in your kids’ social circles. And sometimes this means they will act in a way that does not build up other children, including your children.

Your work is cut out for you.

We are here to help. This month’s Online Parenting Class video is about Combating Shame. If you think your child is believing the lie that they are a failure, are not good enough, or are a “bad person,” don’t wait to intervene. Phrases you might hear sound like, “I’m no good at anything,” or “I’m such a bad girl.” One of the most important jobs you have as a parent is to be in tune to your kids’ emotions and to step in when something is awry.

Intently listen to where these false beliefs might be stemming from, and take appropriate steps to address those who might be speaking untruths to your child. Then, make sure to constantly and consistently “fight back” by lovingly teaching your child truth. Help them to understand that sometimes they might not choose the best behavior, but that doesn’t mean they are a bad person.

I’m praying for you and trusting God is meeting you each day as you strive to “train up [your] child in the way he should go” (Psalm 22:6). Press on!

https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/224799007/8e4b7fdef6

Your partner in parenting,
Children’s Pastor

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Subject Line: Combating Shame, Part 2

Hi there!

We are talking about Combating Shame in this month’s Online Parenting Class video.

Consider the following. Mitch Abblett writes, “A 2011 study in Psychological Bulletin by researchers at Syracuse University and St. John Fisher College indicated a link between peoples’ experience of shame and symptoms of major depression and a stronger link for shame than for guilt. Pervasive negative emotions like shame have also been associated with inflammatory conditions such as coronary artery disease. Shame not only hurts, but it also damages.”

For this reason, it’s critical that parents learn to discern if their child is experiencing shame, even at an early age. Pay attention to their demeanor. Has their personality changed? Have they grown quiet? Do they complain about headaches or tummy aches? Perhaps the root of the problem could be that they are experiencing the powerful emotion of shame.

This feeling of shame could be coming from how your child’s peers talk and relate to your son or daughter. Or—and this takes a willingness to evaluate yourself—it could be the way you talk to and discipline your kids.

Be honest with yourself. Ask yourself how you talk to your kids. Notice the difference between the following two corrective sentences:

1. Sue, how could you write on the table with a sharpie? You clearly weren’t using your head!

2. Sue, sharpies leave permanent marks. If you want to color, let’s choose a pen that won’t stay on wood forever.

The first phrase demeans the child as a person. Hearing these words might make the child feel like they are a dumb person. However, the second phrase teaches the child about the permanence of Sharpie markers to help them make a better choice the next time they want to color. Yes, you might have to swallow the fact that your new table is ruined. However, speaking this way does not attack who the child is as a person.

Above all, ask God to help guard your words. Ask Him to help you pause before speaking to your child when disciplining with your words. The psalmist wrote, “Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips” (Psalm 141:3).

Press on in your work in parenting. I know it’s not easy! My prayer for you is that you do not feel alone in your parenting. I’m available if you have questions or need support as you continue on this journey of parenting—a high calling from God!

Standing firm with you,
Children’s Pastor

Video Script

Combating Shame

On one especially tough day, I was putting my son who has been diagnosed with ADHD to bed. I can not count the number of times I had to tell him “No.” “Stop That.” “Please Don’t Do That.” We were all exhausted. When I went to put him back in bed for the second time that night, he was in tears and I was angry. I was so done with this day. So done. But my son needed me. I needed the couch and some hot coco and a show to veg on. But he needed me. I stood in the doorway of his room and I knew I had two choices. I could kiss him goodnight and go to my couch or I could sit with him, and ask him some questions about what he was thinking. The latter was the more difficult. It required parenting I did not want to give after a long day. But it was also, the choice that would open my eyes to the shame he was feeling and the power I had as his mom to speak truth to it.

Many of us have seen this scenario play out in our children. They have failed and they are remorseful and they turn their remorse into themselves. They hear a critical voice in their head that tells them they are a “Screw Up.” “They can’t do anything right.” “They will never succeed.” “They are not loveable.” These voices are not foreign ones. Many of us as parents hear them as well. How do we fight these inner voices in our children that lie about their value and steal their joy? How do we help our children who are steeped in shame, come out of self-pity and into spiritual and emotional growth?

First and foremost I do not say this lightly but I am asking you to Pray. Pray and ask the spirit to guide you as you seek to uncover what is going on in your child’s heart and mind. This is something that can not be forced or pushed but when we are given a window and we are willing to risk ourselves and our pride, the Lord can do powerful things in combating lies in our children’s hearts about their worth and value.

Second, when you feel the desire to pull away. To not deal. To hide or to sweep things under the rug, instead, lean in. Breath. If you must, take a minute to collect your thoughts but lean in. Do not ignore it. Don’t shove your feelings down. Don’t excuse yourself or them. Lean In. Ask questions. Make space for communication. Give them space and time as well but make yourself present. Available. All Ears. All In. Ask questions. Ask Jesus to give you good questions to ask. You can not fight lies in your child’s head if you don’t know they are there, and nine times out of 10 they will not tell you unless you ask. They sometimes don’t even know at first and it isn’t until the conversation begins to unravel that they figure it out.

Third. Give your children words for how they think and feel. My kids are younger so they may need this more than older children but we have described “The Inner Voice” as the Voice of the enemy who wants them to believe lies about themselves. That God wants them to know and believe Truth about themselves and that when they believe Truth they have the Power over the pain inside of them. If they are older, you might want to see how much they know and understand about the word “Shame” and how that plays out in their own life and relationship with God and other people.

These are hard things. They require us to be intimate with our children. What I mean by that is, it requires us to sacrifice our desire to run from pain and instead embrace it with our children. This is Empathy and it is a tool, a weapon God has given us to combat Shame. It also requires us to share with our Children our own pain, fear and tendency to hear our own “Inner Voice” that tells us lies about who we are. I have told my children that although I know it isn’t true, I often hear the voice that I am not a good mom, and I have to tell someone I trust about the voice I hear, and that someone reminds me of the truth about myself and what God says about me.

In this way we model for our children, Transparency, Vulnerability and Empathy. We model that its ok to admit we fear, and it takes courage to voice that fear, and we have the power to choose truth over fear.

You are not alone in these things. The spirit is with you. It is also important to find people around us who are also walking this path. People we can trust not to judge us, but to listen and pray for us, as we seek to be instruments of healing for our children. May the Spirit reward you greatly as you do this work Parent Warriors.

Texts/Tweets

TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.

Tweet One: Don’t attack your child as a person; discipline the behavior. #shamedamages #fightback

Tweet Two: Love your child enough to critique your parenting. #shamedamages #fightback

Tweet Three: Shame not only hurts; it damages. #shamedamages #fightback

Tweet Four: Are your words demeaning your child? #shamedamages #fightback

Tweet Five: Tune in to your kids’ emotions and to step in when something is awry. #shamedamages #fightback

Tweet Six: Your child’s mistakes do not define them. Do they know that? #shamedamages #fightback

Tweet Seven: Grace means that your child’s mistakes serve a purpose; they do not serve shame. #shamedamages #fightback

Tweet Eight: Jesus does not shame . . . nor should we. #shamedamages #fightback

Tweet Nine: Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips. — Psalm 141:3 #shamedamages #fightback

Tweet Ten: Let grace abound in your parenting (Romans 5:20). #shamedamages #fightback

Emotional Health

Parenting Yourself

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Subject Line: Parenting Yourself, Part One

Hi there!

This month’s parenting video features a unique topic: Parenting Yourself so that you can be a better parent to your kids. Does it seem a little strange to receive information on how to parent yourself? The truth is, we never stop learning and growing, and sometimes parents need to be “parented” a little—especially because no parent was parented perfectly themselves.

Above all, it’s important to know that though you might sometimes fail as a parent, you have the perfect Father in heaven who has always been good to you. He loves you and fights for you, and has good plans for you. Consider just a few Scriptures that speak to this indescribable love:

A Father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing.
— Psalm 68:5-6)

O Lord you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are the work of your hands.
— Isaiah 64:8

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
— Matthew 6:26

If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
— Matthew 7:11

In these four verses we learn some profound aspects of God the Father’s love. He defends those who are defenseless. If you came from a family where you were fatherless, God is not unaware. He is your Father, and He will defend you. God is also the potter, the One who is intimately aware of your life, your family, your struggles, and your joys. He is creating something beautiful in you and will use you for a profound purpose. God the Father is your provider. He cares for the birds—and how much more valuable are you than a bird! And finally, when you approach Him with your needs—for parenting, for provision, for protection—He will answer.

What is the lesson from these verses? Before you worry about how to parent your kids, seek the Father and allow Him to be your parent, your loving Father who provides, protects, plans, and gives generously. When you know God in this way, you will be better able to parent your child in a godly way that reflects the Father.

We sure hope this Online Parenting class has been helpful and thought provoking (Heb. 4:16). In the next email, I’ll offer some practical suggestions for how to “parent yourself.” I’m here to help you, too! Don’t hesitate to email!

https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/224799648/2d053d7a41

Your partner in parenting,
Children’s Pastor

Email 2

Copy/Paste the following email:

Subject Line: Parenting Yourself, Part 2

Hi there!

We’ve been talking in this month’s Online Parenting Class about Parenting Yourself so you can be a better parent to your child.

Bryant McGill wrote in his book Simple Reminders: Inspiration for Living Your Best Life, “Taking care of yourself is the most powerful way to begin to take care of others.” What a powerful statement!

Commit to taking care of yourself, so you can be the happy, patient, encouraging parent your child deserves. That means integrating daily self-nurturing into your life. The following are just a few ideas of how to do this:

• Go to bed earlier so you’re better rested. This is probably one of the hardest things to be disciplined about, especially when you have young children. However, research has shown the direct connection between sleep and good health—not to mention, the ability to think clearly and calmly.

• Eat healthy to maintain your mood. Like sleep, the food you choose to eat can either help your moods, attitudes, and energy level, or deplete them.

• Commit to managing yourself. When your emotions are dysregulated, you’re in fight or flight mode, and your child looks like the enemy. Calm yourself before you engage with your child.

• Slow down your pace. Say “no thanks” when you are asked to take on one more commitment when you are already overwhelmed (and leave guilt at the door). If you need to slow down, listen to yourself and your body and pull away from the chaos.

• Take a time out. There will be days when you just feel down, angry, overwhelmed, even anxious. It’s okay to go to your room, close the door, lay on the bed, and take a personal time out. Just like our kids sometimes need to be removed from a situation to settle down, so do we.

Hopefully, this Online Parenting Class has equipped you with a few tips for how to parent yourself so you can be a better parent to your child. We understand how difficult parenting is and are ready with resources and advice when you need it. We are praying for you!

Praying for you and your child,
Children’s Pastor

Video Script

Parenting Yourself

I was at the library when my son was around 2. We were at a train table and my son walked over to another boy, grabbed his train and wacked him over the head with it. The other boy’s mother looked at me incredulously. I felt immediate shame, as I perceived judgment from the other parents. I shouted at my son, smacked his hand and picked him up quickly as we headed out of the library and back to the car. All of this occurred in a matter of 3 short minutes. As I strapped my son in the car, I felt a sense of guilt wash over me. I over reacted. Feelings of shame overtook my sense of self, and my ability to process the situation. I acted impulsively in anger. Truth be told, my anger was more about being perceived as a bad parent, than it was about my child’s behavior. This reaction can happen at any age, and it can especially rear itself when our children are in the teenage years.

We can fight impulsive over reactive parenting by first learning to parent ourselves. What do I mean by “Parent Yourself?” Have you ever flown on an airline where the flight attendant tells you before take off, that in case of an emergency; you should put the oxygen mask on yourself before you place one on your child? Why? Because if you are not breathing, you will not be able to help them breathe. We are fallen human beings and live in a fallen world, we were not parented perfectly. Most of us had parents who did some things well and some things “Not So Well.” We have an opportunity to study the things we want to do differently now that we are parents. We can also go back to those childhood experiences that may have scared us and ask the Lord to heal those places. Whether you acknowledge them or not, those broken memories in childhood of painful experiences, can come out while you are parenting. They do this as my counselor says by “coming out sideways.” This means we don’t actually know this is happening, we just find ourselves angry and out of control sometimes when dealing with the discipline of our children in certain situations. Sometimes our anger and fear is misplaced and not actually about the scenario at hand.

If you find yourself feeling angry and overreacting at times while parenting, these are normal behaviors. However, if you choose to, you can seek some emotional health for yourself that will impact your child. We don’t want our children growing up with the same sense of shame that we may have experienced as a child. Practice some self care today. If you are not already, seek counsel and education for the broken areas that may be fueling your anger and lack of self-control, your anxiety or your depression.

We will not parent perfectly. That is not our goal. Our goal is to parent ourselves in order to better parent our children. Do you have an inner child that needs a little attention? Seek to nurture your own pain so that you may better nurture your child’s pain. When we accept God’s grace for ourselves we better offer it to those around us. Scripture says, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” This assumes we will love and care for ourselves not just physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. This will not only make you a better parent, but also make you more whole as a person. In doing this, you teach your child that they are important; because you have modeled that YOU are important. Christ desires us to know who we are in Him. Once we do that, we can disciple our Children to do that as well.

Texts/Tweets

TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.

Tweet One: Taking care of yourself is the most powerful way to begin to take care of others. — Bryant McGill #takecareofyourself #parentbetter

Tweet Two: Integrate daily self-nurturing into your life. #takecareofyourself #parentbetter #staysane

Tweet Three: Parents sometimes need a time-out for their mental, spiritual, and physical health. #takecareofyourself #parentbetter #staysane

Tweet Four: O Lord you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are the work of your hands. — Is. 64:8 #takecareofyourself

Tweet Five: Sometimes parents need to be “parented” a little. #takecareofyourself #parentbetter #staysane

Tweet Six: Look at the birds of the air…. Are you not much more valuable than they? — Matt. 6:26

Tweet Seven: Commit to taking care of yourself so you can be the happy, patient, encouraging parent your child deserves. #takecareofyourself

Tweet Eight: Slow down your pace; it will benefit you and others. #takecareofyourself #parentbetter #staysane

Tweet Nine: There is no such thing as a perfect parent. So be a real one. — Sue Atkins #takecareofyourself #parentbetter #staysane

Tweet Ten: It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. — Joyce Maynard #takecareofyourself #parentbetter #staysane

Emotional Health

Do I Parent Using Shame?

Email 1

Copy/Paste the following email:

Subject Line: Do I Parent Using Shame?, Part One

Hi there!

This month’s parenting video features a sensitive topic: Do I Parent Using Shame? This is one of those topics where we ask you to critique yourself, and be brutally honest. Parenting is not easy, and we want you to be encouraged as you work through areas you might not be strong in. You are growing right along with your child in their development!

If you watched the video and think you might be parenting using shame, consider whether you might be dealing with shame yourself. Ask yourself if you believe false ideas that life should be fair, that you should be perfect, or that your child should have capabilities beyond their developmental abilities. Often, these un-truths lead to the emergence of a parent’s own sense of shame.

When parents carry lethal shame through counterfeit concepts of how life is supposed to be, or because their parents parented them with shame, they often unwittingly dump their own shame on their kids. The child becomes their “secondary receptacle for it.”

Spend some time alone, perhaps with your Bible and a journal, and ask yourself if you may be using shame as a method of disciplining and parenting. God is a God of restoration and redemption, and He will help you replace this need for worth, peace, and safety with Him—which will overflow in how you parent.

We sure hope this Online Parenting class has been helpful and thought provoking (Heb. 4:16). In the next email, I’ll offer some practical suggestions for steps you can take against shame-based parenting.

https://vimeo.com/parentministry/review/224800399/ba844fd3d6

Your cheerleader in raising your kids,

Children’s Pastor

Email 2

Copy/Paste the following email:

Subject Line: Do I Parent Using Shame?, Part 2

Hi there!

We’ve been asking you to ask yourself the question in this month’s Online Parenting Class: Do I Parent Using Shame?

It’s always good to self-evaluate, and critique your parenting so that you can be the best parent you can be. To help you identify whether you are using shame to parent, ask yourself the following questions:

• Do you use negative or shaming comments about what your child is doing or who your child is, instead of parenting them in a way that sees their worth through Jesus’ eyes?

• Do you ridicule, guilt trip, or shame in small ways that seem “harmless”?

• Do you find yourself judging or criticizing your child for behavior, like losing a toy or a jacket, rather than empathizing with them?

• Do you model shaming? For example, do you indulge in being critical and yelling, and wonder why your child is critical of others or yells?

• Do you punish your child for things that are impulses, rather than redirecting and setting a limit to help them learn to control their impulses and learn right from wrong?

Lynne Namka writes that “Harsh, critical parental behavior produces shame-prone, perfectionistic children who then pass the family bad habit down to their children.” Let’s commit to stopping the cycle of shame-based parenting, and instead model our parenting after the only perfect parent—God the father—who parents with patience, love, and grace.

Hopefully, this Online Parenting Class has equipped you with a few tips for dealing with this issue of parenting using shame so you can be a better parent to your child. We understand how difficult parenting is, and are ready with resources and advice when you need it. We are praying for you!

Praying for you and your child,

Children’s Pastor

Video Script

Do I Parent Using Shame?

Our family vacationed at a cabin nearby one weekend. My son, who has ADHD and is a highly sensitive child, was a little overwhelmed with his new surroundings and was quote “bouncing off the walls.” He could hardly contain himself as he ran up and down the stairs, asked the same questions over and over, and was incessantly picking on his younger sister. I had, had enough and exasperated, I asked the question, “What is wrong with you?!?!?”

Have you ever done this? Have you ever used these words or something like them? Many of us have, we may not do it intentionally, but when we are pushed to our limit we can easily fall into making an unwanted behavior our child is expressing, about them personally, and not about the behavior itself. Shame seeks to harm, not guide the child in correcting the behavior. This is actually not effective in getting them to change their behavior, and can do harm to their identity.

The problem for most of us is, we don’t necessary recognize when we are “shaming” our children in our effort to discipline them. If we can become aware of our propensity to shame, then we can take steps to use other tools when disciplining. Here are some symptoms of shame-based parenting that might help you decide if this is a repetitive issue for you. Here are a few questions you may ask yourself.

1. Did I grow up in a “Toxic Shame” environment? Studies show that if you have been raised in an environment where your parents used “shaming” to parent you, you will unintentionally do the same thing. None of us were born with a parenting manual so we use the tools of experience and environment until we educate ourselves with other options. If you have suffered abuse as a child in any capacity, or had parents who struggled with addiction, it is highly likely you suffered shame based parenting as well.

2. Do you withdraw when you are hurt? Many times we as parents will hear a voice inside our heads that speaks to our insecurities. A constant critic ready to berate us at every turn for every decision made. If this sounds familiar to you, odds are these feelings may come out as anger in relationship to disciplining your children. We do not live in a vacuum. What we believe about ourselves will affect how our children view themselves.

3. Is your discipline mostly consistent? When children are criticized for a behavior one day and the same behavior is ignored the next day, it tells the child that it is not the behavior that is “wrong” but that “they” are wrong.

Parenting is hard. I don’t have to say this to you, I’m guessing you already know this, but let me say it again anyway, It .Is. Hard. We long so desperately to do it right and we are fallen human beings who get it wrong in some way, every day. This can feel overwhelming at times. Know that becoming aware of your parenting tendencies can lead you out of shame, and into an empowerment that you can actually DO something to change. Shame based parenting can be learned but it can be unlearned as well. There is hope for us and if we are willing to confess our struggles we can become more emotionally healthy parents and raise more emotionally healthy children.

Texts/Tweets

TIP: Choose a hashtag for your tweets and use it consistently. That will tell Twitter to store a list of your tweets on one place for later reference.

Tweet One: Harsh, critical parental behavior produces shame-prone perfectionistic children. — Lynn Namka #parentingwithoutshame #stopthecycle

Tweet Two: Stop the shame cycle. #parentingwithoutshame #stopthecycle

Tweet Three: God parents using love and grace, not shame. #parentingwithoutshame #stopthecycle

Tweet Four: But the Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced— Isaiah 50:7 #parentingwithoutshame #stopthecycle

Tweet Five: Looking to Jesus…who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame… Heb 12:2 #parentingwithoutshame

Tweet Six: Don’t dump your own shame on your kids. #parentingwithoutshame #stopthecycle

Tweet Seven: Replace the need for worth, peace, and safety with Him. #parentingwithoutshame #stopthecycle

Tweet Eight: Are you modeling shame to your kids? #parentingwithoutshame #stopthecycle

Tweet Nine: Commit to stopping the cycle of shame-based parenting. — Sue Atkins #parentingwithoutshame #stopthecycle

Tweet Ten: Children are especially vulnerable to shame. — Sarah MacLaughlin, LSW #parentingwithoutshame #stopthecycle